Shortcut to new histories

A thesis: The frequency of words used is one lens to view the similarities and differences between two political candidates.

Words chosen are a direct reflection of the universe one chooses to represent to others. Word frequencies can tell us in a concrete way what a speaker is most concerned about.

In both the first debate and the victory and concession speeches for the 2008 US presidential election, the most frequent word Senator John McCain used was I. The most frequent word Senator/President-elect Obama used was We.

Here is how it breaks down in terms of an I-versus-We orientation for each candidate, including a ratio of how many times the word I was used in comparison to the word We.

Obama First Debate
I and related terms = 172
We and related terms = 338
RATIO of I to We = .509

McCain First Debate
I and related terms = 218
We and related terms = 150
RATIO of I to We = 1.45

Obama Victory
I and related terms = 41
We and related terms = 88
RATIO of I to We = .466

McCain Concession
I and related terms = 70
We and related terms = 18
RATIO of I to We = 3.889

Language reflects, and communicates with specific words. Chosen words and the most-often/frequently used tell tales. It is tempting to skip to tales' ends from these examples from the US presidential contest. Yet need we be tempted to study this much further? Not really.

America chose its next president. The choice was at least in part because of what (who) the candidate appeared to be most concerned about before and just after the election.

New histories are being worded as we speak.

Silent, Memory*

Into awareness like a dog called to the fore, but for this admonition:

Dare not recall childhood still. That would admit its hold, and the beauty that was.

Dare not surface memories. If not, you are the old age you are.

Deny them now their voice. Hang to youth made of repression, as long as illusion can last.

The game needs rules. Break them and you'll be down the slide to inevitable's end.

Dare recall to deny this terminus, Master, the story by telling, mastering fate. Once memories're out, they no longer hold.

Show the story its telling's not over. Till the pen rests upon the desk, and the ashes on the mantle . . .

---

*For loved ones, family and friends, not necessarily in that order. Christmas 2008

No X

There is no truth in the sense of some great unknown X that we approach in an infinite progression, to which we match our statements in an ever more appropriate and correct manner; there is only the active "discussion" with that-which-is, during which we also show ourselves differently. And all this is a creative process, since every design of Being produces, materially and spiritually, a world interpreted and organized in a definite way. (p. 219)
Safranski, R. (1998). Martin Heidegger: Between good and evil. (Osers, E. Trans.). Cambridge: Harvard University Press.

Answer Montezuma like a local

The silliest advertisement I saw on TV before I murdered it began like this. "I am not an MD, but I play one on TV." Dressed in a white coat such as doctors and lab techs wear, the "TV personality" proceeded to recommend some medication! MD? Mentally deranged. Here is a confessed impostor making a health-medical recommendation to an audience of perhaps millions without so much as a . . . and we are fools to allow him or her into our homes. Thus the explanation for my, er, act of self defense.

But bits of insanity about health and medicine are all around us. For example, for years I have heard about the peril of travel to Mexico for a week or more, Montezuma's Revenge, travelers' diarrhea. By and large, if you experience other-than-usual-and-to-be-expected diarrhea, you "should take" antibiotics and those stopping-up, settle-down-your-insides pills. This will kill everything in the nether reaches and hold it/them there for safekeeping till your normal routine returns sometime later. Not insanity exactly, but precious little about causes.

Isn't the first step in commoner sense to ask what the condition is and then how to treat it? Do Mexicans know what causes diarrhea and related symptoms that last more than a few days, what we without hesitation make preemptive strikes against down there with our wonder drugs? And if they know, what do they do about it?

We can discuss one theory non-technically. That theory begins with the idea that an upset digestive system is normal for foreigners, at least at first. For example, Mexicans who visit the US reportedly have the same complaints as we do. They experience discomforts from different foods and water and sanitation standards just as we do if we venture too far south. Intestinal maladies come from changes in climate and latitude. To be expected, we can say. And they are short term.

Now, do Mexicans suffer from short or long term distress when visiting the US? To some extent experiencing short term problems must be true. If you travel, change time zones, eat and drink different stuff than at home, some adjustments can be expected regardless of nationality or cultural background. However, if you stay longer in foreign climes, I guess you either get used to things or you die.

I have noticed that Mexicans who visit the US and stay longer have been known to die in country. However, the causes do not seem to be digestive. They die of the same causes as we the indigenous populations do, from the same scourges, heart disease, cancer and materialism. These longer-term visitors and residents must have gotten used to US water, food, standards of cleanliness and the rest of what our culture has to offer.

Having addressed the obvious, we can turn to ensuring happier times in Mexico. Chances are you will get the (true) Revenge. You can die or wish you would. Beyond the normal adjustments noted above, some/many foreigners in Mexico do not get accustomed to daily realities and the vigilance needed for living in health and comfort. They get what Mexicans know is not revenge but givens, worms and parasites.

If you travel to Mexico and venture outside of the first-world hotel's restaurant and coffee shop, you might get what "everybody in Mexico" realizes is for real, so real that they regularly take precautions against it, er, them.

Cutting to prevention and treatment of these known causes of protracted colonic discomfort or distress, we can cope as locals do, and this should be the tourist's and extended visitor's first choice, without fear or risk. Here you go.

* Drink fresh coconut milk or pineapple juice.
* Eat fresh pineapple, papaya, papaya seeds (like pepper if chewed), garlic in all forms including raw, guayaba (guava, yellow when ripe, widely available in country), and pumpkin seeds.
* Eat street food only after some research. A home-based fast food counter is probably better than a small cart that appears now and then in different locations around town.
* You know the drill for water. The only water in any form that should go in your mouth should be purified. In cases of diarrhea, drink lots and lots.

When the above prevention/treatments fail, buy Vermox, an over-the-counter de-worming and parasite-eradicating medication. (Sounds so, so Ortho-like!). The active ingredient is mebendazole. Comes in various doses. I like the one pill, take-care-of-'em-all-today dose.

We gringos love pills and supplements. You can get all you need or want in Mexico, even prescription medications without the obligatory, not to say expensive, visit to the US doctor. S/he is back home and virtually unreachable anyway from Mexico.

One note about Vermox. Remember the name Vermox. Showing your squirming index fingers in the region of your belly or digestive tract does not indicate the problem or what you want to purchase sufficiently.

Amebisil, active ingredient ascaridol, is "known all over Mexico." I haven't tested this hypothesis, but I have used this supplement. Given signs or symptoms of having the little buggers in your system, take two or three pills the first day and one per day thereafter for a week. According to a local source, "They don't like the taste. So eat something with Amebisil to make them think it is mealtime as usual. Surprise 'em!" Amebisil is available in herbal medicine and vitamin shops--tienda naturista.

Prices vary for all of the above, including the drugs without prescription, the fruit and seeds and so forth, but definitely cheaper than in the US.

Symptoms? We don't need to go into that here, do we? (They are so, so clinical.) And getting a test to make sure you have the buggers, ugh.

Am I a doctor? No, but I act like one, and enjoy worm- and parasite-free eating and drinking in Mexico. The very thought of infestation when feeling drained of energy and hungry and like the bathroom can't be too close for comfort--this is diagnosis enough to down some safe stuff locals get along fine with, thank your pharmaceuticals very much.

In the event of more serious or persistent symptoms and disturbances, inform yourself more thoroughly and see a real doctor in Mexico or when you get back home.

© 2008 Kevin Mactavish

Prelude to reclude

Example. Trust and taking-for-granted

Consider. Trust is trust-in and thus specific-to. Trust is personal and a belief or assumption bestowing on subject or object a felt-now assurance of stability. Interaction-with is without reservation.

Specimens. I trust my car to start and get me to work everyday. I place my trust in it as a means of transportation. My car historically, and for the indefinite but not unlimited future, does what I want it to. I get into it in the morning and start it the same way as always, seldom thinking about or anticipating problems.

I also trust my friend. I know how he behaves, what his values are, and so forth. When I relate to him, I know he will respond in certain ways.

Consider. Taking-for-granted. There are recurrent events such as the sun's rise, and there are . . .

Discussion. And so it goes, following in imperfect fashion the models set before us since ideal forms and essences and properties became the parlance. But what is description's end? And is beginning-to-define the step-relative of direct experience?

If to grasp the jell-o and hold it still long enough to discern what it is requires definition/description, there must be some objects of intentional view worth and not worth bothering about. Who cares really about yellow jell-o down or up or around or so fully and carefully delimited such that we can say this, and not that, is what it is?

For the phenomena (objects of intentional view) we would care about, those are worthy of delimitation to the limits possible, not all possible phenomena. The experience of inserting a stent into an artery of mine before performing the procedure would, as sense would have it, important, vital, critical. Get this phenomenon right down to the nth degree please, and don't bother me with definitions tentative.

Then it must be understanding and expertise, knowledge and perfect execution. These must be description's end. But is execution a part of the descriptions we would forge? Not exactly. It is execution in combination with knowledge, and knowledge in combination with execution, and so on round and round and up and down the hermeneutic spiral. Each builds and extends the other to the limit of need or value. Understanding then is not representation in words alone but also manifest praxis.

But is there understanding without concomitant application? Another way to ask the question is whether knowledge always has a use, or are there standalone, stable insights, what might be considered "justified true belief[s]" sufficient unto themselves?

To name one, love. At least a part of love never asks the smitten to do more than just be in the experience of the wonder. In addition, one need not fully understand in the sense of cognitive comprehension what the love-experience is.

So the horizon of explanations and understandings opens to knowledges plural--systems (e.g., biological), psychology, philosophy (e.g., epistemology), religion, and so on. It also opens to practices. And it opens to that which may or may not be important enough to describe in the senses of object-in-view and how that is for me or you or us.

Thus, partial, fleeting . . . something like sculpting, because other than what does not need dissection and display and employment, we have rudimentary tools such as language to make experience possible and meanings transferable.

Is that enough? Surely it is. Surely it suffices . . . for now, and permits proceeding. We have world enough, but not time.

This experiment* reminded me

• I will never be here again. Drink it all in.
• We are embedded in constraints of our own making.
• Some rebound easily. For some it takes time.
  
• Sanity is relative. "There but for . . . "
  
• People don't mean what they say really, ever.
• There is my stuff, and yours, and theirs.
• I can go broke and look into the abyss . . . and survive.

__________
* The trial of 2007.

Sepulchral inscription two

There is no one who will ever know the secrets of your heart. I suspect there are so many and so varied and so deep, some even unconscious, that full knowledge and self awareness escapes even the most advanced or enlightened among us. Having said that, I believe that some among those who are left after we are gone will be curious or interested to know more, to have as big a slice of knowledge and understanding as is possible, if only because we-others who have traveled this road can guide us on our way. The insatiability of these journey makers is not about us, the dead and gone, but about everything and themselves.

So it is that we take to writing or otherwise documenting who we are. And whatever we intend to communicate, that pales in comparison with who or what we are in total. Once externalized and all taken together, images and strong possibilities come to the insatiable from which s/he will take what s/he will.

Who knows if our best friend was killing herself with negative messages she sent to every one of her cells for years? Was it old age or meaninglessness that finally did auntie in? Was my partner ever really there when we were together? or was he somewhere else, hoping for a better life with or without me? Did that person in that moment delight or destroy me intentionally, because of me somehow? Or was it somehow else?

In this life we never know. At least not the in fullness. There is always the known hidden from view, and the unknown perhaps forever unattainable here.

Is it our duty to leave records? to make ourselves as transparent as possible, or necessary in the moment? Is it proper and safe to be invisible except for what people can observe? Can today be understood in light of the inevitable changes that will be tomorrow, and thus my thoughts and feelings and words will be different and then of no or some account at all? What do we owe our audiences and friends and loved ones to account for ourselves? Everything, nothing, what?

Such are the questions I ask each time I write and share the always unfinished text. And each time, I have no answers except to make an account in as accurate and honest a way as I can. I must let the cards fall as they will. It is then both intention and fate which propel me forward. I choose and act; I am chosen and acted upon.

There is a power or a force, or what you would call it, higher than ourselves. Limited in space and time can only posit the infinite because of our very condition. It can be no other way except nothingness, which some say is the same thing.

Sepulchral inscription

Let me go peacefully.
Next time I'll not disappoint.
Smile and know I love you:
Each the most!
Each differently.
Alone because of this.
And still now, in this infinite love.
Would we had realized in time.

Please complete X, Y, and Z

(A) Now you have raised a question again, and I have to try to do the hard work so that you can understand. Maybe you will; maybe you won't; maybe you will understand in a different way than I understand. Maybe you will have your own opinion. That is all OK.

(B) Gloss: One of two or more introduces a response in a conversation where there was another question and now this--neither given--the answer to which will be a meta-response about matters affecting future understanding of what will be hard to construct, and will follow. Herein is a care-less concern and aim of transferring a definite understanding, while at the same time acknowledging possibly a different one as result, perhaps more accurately termed an opinion grounded in the other. The speaker accepts this challenge and risk, born of some obligation or insistence, and so will continue thus. The matter of why it will be hard to construct is not clear, perhaps because the other has difficulty understanding and something like this has been tried before?

(C) If I am entirely truthful with myself and write it down or talk about it, then at least I have done my part, which is the first step towards conversation. In the end, hopefully not before, I and you can evaluate or judge what has gone on in conversation, or discussion, and make any decisions based on that, or not.

(D) Which leads to the hypothesis: A text of any length, if translated into its own or another language, has worlds to open to us that we may but dimly sense without the most careful scrutiny, the most careful listening.

(E) No wonder without wonder.

(F) Another, this from the King James version.

14 And found in the temple those that sold oxen and sheep and doves, and the changers of money sitting:

15 And when he had made a scourge of small cords, he drove them all out of the temple, and the sheep, and the oxen; and poured out the changers' money, and overthrew the tables;

16 And said unto them that sold doves, Take these things hence; make not my Father's house an house of merchandise.

(G) Seemingly didactic report of an event with quote claiming the protagonist descended from God and that business shall not be conducted in God's house, the temple. Driving merchants and animals out as well as pouring out money and overturning tables suggests less emotionally-charged methods were or would not be effective. Or did he(?) just fly off the handle?

(H) 17 And his disciples remembered that it was written, The zeal of your house has eaten me up.

18 Then answered the Jews and said to him, What sign show you to us, seeing that you do these things?

(I ) In the face of this "scene" and reflection on earlier scripture (Psalm 69?), the do the protagonist's disciples question his "wretchedness"? or the action born of it? These disciple-Jews, or others, then ask in response to the behavior--with or without the wretched part--what was its meaning?

(J) It may be that a "text of any length, if translated into its own or another language, has worlds to open to us that we may but dimly sense without the most careful scrutiny, the most careful listening." But language plain or in translation can also but dimly denote exactly what it is we are to understand.

(K) Wonder with wonder.

(L) Imagine the impossible, that the at the time of the above reductions, or before, there was no interpretation. A baseline text once read is different from what was said if by the tiniest of margins, for it is the consciousness of the other who has created them in reading or hearing. No full access-entry possible into a text. Add to that the slipperiness of words and phrases and larger aggregations, as evidenced by the illustrative reductions, we can only hope for coincidence. The closest approximation is what we are after, but that in its wholeness is persistently elusive.

(M) Yet we proceed based on what we can apprehend, and through interaction, progress towards what we assent to as understanding.

(N) The initial reduction, whatever its shortcomings, has to be compared with the original as re-read, decoded again. And if there is some large measure of satisfaction on what it is we have hold of then, we can interpret in an acknowledged sense.

(O) To restate the now precariously convoluted.

* One, a text, an original.
* Two, the text is read. In the experience of reading, a first-hand interpretation is made. It is called what-we-think-it-says.
* Three, that interpretation is then reduced to match the text. Here is the second-hand.
* Four, the second-hand is compared with the original for fit and adjusted as needed. The comparative reading-rendering process becomes conceivably a revised second-hand interpretation, call it third-hand, in that a third results from the process of interacting texts.
* Five, the third-hand, if taken up, becomes a fourth text and a part of making additional texts which may bear great or little resemblance to the original.
* Recycle. Here is interpretation beyond the original and must be handled in the same manner as above in order to make sense of it.

(P) Wonder that we wonder?

(Q) To interpret in an acknowledged sense is roughly to have decoded a text and understood it within one's own language filters and horizons. If one adds external-to-the-text material, or voices, as somehow implied or inferred or reasonably understood as aid to understanding, we run the risk of no (without) wonder, and . . .

(R) No wonder! Full recognition and acknowledgment of how messed up things can get. This without the impossible, that at the time of the original, or before, there was--we assume (another of the genus interpretation) one or more intentions to communicate something or -things, consciously or unconsciously.

(S) Jam-packed, full of wonders, seen and unseen, to delight and dissuade us, much as the spells of sprites do us good or harm, when we think we are looking.

(T) The evocative enters in the empty spaces understanding cries for words like or as. With these, we are brought back to the beginnings where experience is the images we see internal and external which we want to render into language. That word pictures fully depict what we saw is a conceit we accept and ever so tentatively, and not so tentatively, say they describe what we know to have been like or as what it was.

(U) The choice of what to say or write or discuss then turns upon importance, the why of what we would understand. Understanding resident in I and we then drives the process rather than the other way round. It is the understanding of or about that suggests the importance and gives energy to discerning things as they are.

(V) Why wonder?

(W) Because. And more is wholly outside these matters and probably resides in the wondering subject, I.

(X)

(Y)

(Z)

Becoming John Doe

["If what is held in consciousness can be a legitimate object and we therefore can explore its themes and structures, its phenomenology roughly, does it exist? there? Don't you just have nothing? or nothingness?

"If you externalize it . . . spoken it immediately becomes a fugitive of the ether or perception, never to be precisely repeated, or written it becomes subject to predators of nether reaches, or the wild itself.

"Nevertheless, isn't it an it? some essence? As in the free but private thoughts of a prisoner in or isolated from society? 'You can take away everything else but not what I think and not what I believe'.

"I would say so. I would say no."

To wit.]

Working title: Becoming John Doe

Summary: Disappearing and shedding one's identity have their ups and downs, but the end of the game is one place that this twenty-something must discover with a little help, the place where everything begins.

A bit more detail: A ride to the next gas station turns into a personal journey for PF Donner, a well-bred twenty-something raised by his loving yet demure uncle, Joe King. Disappearing and shedding his identity have their ups and downs as PF travels to keep from being found by Connie, his entitled girlfriend, and their friend Fred, public servant turned skiptracer. Towns in the US and abroad provide the settings for PF's disappearances and the tests he must pass to elude his pursuers and forge his identity. In Austin, Nevada, far away is not far enough. In Las Vegas, New Mexico, and the hill country north and west, paranoia sets in. In Bavaria, a place that strangely seems like home, a deaf and dumb monk delivers a message that strikes home. PF realizes that each obstacle to vanishing and starting over has its practical and seemingly profound lessons. On the brink of returning to his roots and the life he knew, PF meets Rick, who shows him the dangers of running from something, and Anne Deer, who shares an insight into what she thinks he truly searches: care-less permission. PF calls it liberation at first, but then, on the brink of a life-altering decision, he comes to see it as embracing himself and the identity he manifests each moment.

Evocation

[Opening for a proposed longer work.]

As my father instructed from behind me, I held the mirror at arm's length.

"Now," he said, "look at yourself. You at a distance. Can you see yourself as I see you from here, over your shoulder?"

I confessed I could and followed his every word despite not seeing the point.

"Tilt the mirror so you can see me. There. Now you see me. I am a different image. Because I am me, of course. But also because I am not you. Now, move it back so you can see you. It is not you in the mirror. But it looks like you. It is the image of you, but it is something or someone other. Here now, then gone. Get it?"

I confessed I didn't. And so it went like that. He had infinite patience. But I didn't have his gifts, his way of looking at the world out there as some kind of object that he could focus on, or not, and understand, by his way of seeing, that there was both sameness, unity. And there was difference. Other. And that, he contended, helped him in his personal life, which he said was all we had, our personal lives. The roles of father, businessman, friend, all of them, they were just different views of him but not him. It was this divorce from everything that helped his sanity, particularly in the final years when he became less, I would say, acute. And he said it had helped him since his mid-twenties when death, he was certain, stalked him. To keep that specter at bay or in perspective, my father returned to the mirror or some other method he had and the reminders of who he was and was not. He was able to categorize the images and the identities that went with them, he said, and he found peace, mostly, throughout his life. It was a quiet, distant, and sometimes lonely existence, from the outside anyway.

I am afraid the lessons didn't take all that well. But now and again I look out there as if in a mirror to see what it is that is there, or appears to be there. I try to see it separately, distantly, and not as a part of me. But I have not had the peaceful moments my father said he had. I look over my shoulder now, and I know he is there even though I cannot see him in detail anymore. I know he is there. And clinging to that, I suppose, has led me to try and try again to get it, that elusive subject or object or image lesson.

I think today he would be proud of me. But he would have advised against starting like this, talking about the mirror and all. He was a private but not a judgmental man, except in some compartments he had created to get along, he said, in this vale of tears. Practical reality, as he called it, tormented him and kept him from being and doing what he thought was more important. What that was I never became aware of specifically. I only have the exercises like the mirror one that he would put me through up till I was about sixteen. But I have come along far enough to have taken what he tried to teach me and bring it under my own way of being, my own way of, can I say, understanding. So bringing up trite matters and metaphors and measures that he would not have used or talked openly about in front of strangers does not bother me, not now, not because he is gone but because I have become more of my own person. I live with my own shades, no longer his. And I get along pretty well, seeing wholes mostly. Well, I say I get along as good as the next guy. I can judge at least that.

So let's begin. I can try to listen to the story as if it were an object in view and quite separate from me, so much so that they can tell the story as if I am not part of it, although it will look like I am, and sometimes it will feel pretty close to home I'm sure.

RO

Academic exercise

[Prior to your interview, we would be grateful if you would complete the attached pre-interview task. The task will provide a basis for discussion in the interview of academic writing and your approaches to academic skills in general. Please only refer to the text rather than any other outside sources and do not spend more than two-three hours on the task. Please complete the essay within two days of receiving this message and e-mail it to. . . .

The prospective employer cleverly "revised" a text, the above mentioned attachment, the original for which seems to be "Salvaging Liberalism from the Wreck of the Enlightenment," available as of this date at http://www.crvp.org/book/Series01/I-26/introduction.htm.

Here is the response with but small changes from what was submitted, provided here as a writing sample and illustration of selected principles (highlighted below)for beginning academic writers. Also, the response is an example of sifting through the jell-o, before you can get to the good stuff.]



Cultural Creation of Free and Equal, A Critique

In his paper, entitled "The Cultural Creation of Free and Equal Individuals," Professor ??? argues that liberal democracies need a form of civic education which produces and sustains people "who identify themselves and one another as free and equal individuals." This education rests on a civic culture, "a culture supportive of citizenship" with clear, coherent, articulated central ideas. Professor ??? claims that in the absence of sufficient numbers of citizens with the requisites for proper citizenship, liberal democracy itself is in danger. States built on this model thus need to ensure a properly democratized citizenry.

Professor ??? also asserts that the citizens of a liberal democracy need members who "at least insofar as they act within the public sphere, see their membership in such communities as in some sense subordinate to their membership in the broader civic community." To paraphrase, civic education, resting on the shoulders of a civic culture, should teach citizens to think (and act?) first in the interest of the state or government and then based on their own particular identity in terms of ethnicity, class, and/or religion.

Professor ???'s paper on civic education in a liberal democracy has flaws in expression and rationale--at least one of either in almost every paragraph in the first half. The thesis, regardless of its merits as a standalone statement, thus suffers greatly. Any call to action will fall on skeptical if not uncomprehending readers.

The first paragraph of Professor ???'s paper gives general background for his argument and ends with the assertion that human beings are "made rather than found," "produced through the influence of . . . political culture." A careful reading of this assertion would suggest a glaring omission. Families as micro-political systems need to be included as powerful influences for the development of individual identity. This qualifying statement is absent here. All seems to begin and end with things political at a more macro level. Consider this omitted qualification a minor point. The author, after all, is just beginning to develop his topic.

The second paragraph claims in part that the notion of free and equal "is alien to the perspectives that most immediately shape human life." These perspectives are listed as ethnic, class, and religious. Although the author cites human development as a key to understanding human beings (first sentence, second paragraph), there is no mention of what human growth and development or other disciplines have had to say about the most obvious influence that "immediately shape[s] human life," mom! The absence of a qualifying statement about mothers and children and family influence in the first paragraph now detracts from the overall argument. There is little doubt that nature and nurture in the earliest years help shape whether or not an individual even cares to participate in society, regardless of its descriptive label or prevailing norms. To assert that shaping human life does not in the first instance include mother, parents, relatives, and so forth is to ignore the self-evident.

Hark back to a beginning English writing course. With all due respect for Professor ???, a writer should avoid omitting the most obvious questions or observations that qualify and clarify what he or she is trying to say. There is a lapse here at the very beginning of Professor ???'s paper.

The third paragraph suffers at the outset by claiming that the second paragraph's assertion sans qualification is a fact. The paper does not acknowledge or address the expected order of things again: Mothers before governors in shaping human life.

It is easy to debunk ideas by picking at details and lack of qualifying statements that an author has not deemed important enough to include. We can look at things more constructively. According to the philosopher and psychologist Ken Wilber, who coincidentally has also commented on the same matters that Professor ??? does in this essay, everybody holds at least a part of the truth. That paragraph four follows number three with flaws however important places it as suspect from the first word. Rather than focus on what might be problematic with this paragraph, we can point to its reasonableness and strength, that it holds part of the truth that should be noted.

A liberal democratic state, especially if it does not have a constituency, or only a weak one, needs to create one. The influx of civil society programs into the former Eastern (Soviet) Bloc just after the Berlin Wall's demise shows acknowledgement of this wisdom. The challenges to civil society in Iraq today can be seen as an example of Professor ???'s warnings here in paragraph four. Commonly held knowledge lends support to what this paper attempts to express.

However, the credibility of the author continues to erode in paragraph five. "Forms of government based on principles intrinsic to ethnic, class, and religious world views" do "face precisely this sort of cultural and educational challenge." Imagine instituting a governmental system based on ethnicity without precedent for it. That system would have the same vulnerability as a liberal democratic one without its support structures and procedures. If paragraph four has the merit highlighted above, then the unrevised opening statement of five contradicts it. We are no closer to giving the essay or its author a nod of agreement, nor has the notion that a liberal democracy with subordinate other allegiances been demonstrated as workable or preferred.

Paragraph six assumes that the prerequisite for governance is a kind of cultural self-understanding, particularly an understanding of the principles underlying authority. What or who is to say that democracies, liberal or not, have a populace or a portion of it that has or needs this understanding? What or who says that states deemed not liberal democracies have people who do not understand what underlies sanctioned and unsanctioned political and public behavior?

Two examples illustrate how these questions, and questions like them, must be addressed. Consider first, if in a liberal democracy individuals are free and equal, then you as citizen are free not to be conscious of or concerned about anything other than having a roof over your head, food on the table, and a television to watch. Second, if what is allowed and what is not determines whether or not you live or die, there is little to understand. Civic education in the first instance might be a good idea. In the second, there is little point except to know what it is that will get you killed. The first is optional and recommended civic education, a nicety in democratic societies. The second is all about survival and requisite knowledge, usually thoroughly understood without formal means of message transmission.

If careful readers are looking for evidence to support the argument of necessity, in liberal democracies, for a form of civic education which subordinates the ethnic, class, and religious identities of its citizens, they have lost sight of this idea or any support for it. Paragraphs seven through the end of the paper hold promise, but the weaknesses thus far discourage further reading. In addition, the next paragraphs continue with problems in expression, which in turn affect the effectiveness of thesis and argument. The author has difficulty saying what in all likelihood he intends. "[E]very democracy needs a countervailing culture--a culture supportive of citizenship." Countervailing is the problem word. To harken back to one of the principles of coherent writing: Proper expression leads to comprehending thoughts and answering calls to action.

To suggest how the author could salvage what has been commented on thus far and to strengthen the second half of the paper might be to focus on first things first.

If a liberal democracy is the manifestation of free and equal, then we need go no further than to focus on the meaning of this language. If we in a given state are free and equal, without restraint we can order our personal universe in ways we choose. And if we choose not to participate in the body politic, we do not need to. If we choose to make ethnic identity the center of daily life, then we can do that, just as our equals can choose to do what they choose.

According to Professor ???, this might endanger the very values citizens in a liberal democracy live by, but given the mix of all peoples in a hypothetical state, some will be stewards of the system as it is and can be. Others will concern themselves with other pursuits, such as the search for truth, beauty, or goodness. In the experiment that is democracy, some who think citizens do not know or value enough the idea of free and equal will create the opportunities needed to ensure people get the message. After all, liberal democracies defined as free also have their evangelists.

Free and equal are ideas and values that have some limits. Of these Professor ??? does not mention or develop, and they are imperative to discuss or acknowledge in any treatment. Although in the main the author is correct that for a liberal democracy free and equal are requisite, these concepts need to be carefully defined for socio-political contexts. As common wisdom says, you are not free to yell "Fire!" in a crowded theater where there is no fire. There are subordinations, or limits, and these must be suggested or addressed given the Professor's topic.

In sum, the argument for a civic culture and its creation and maintenance through education, leading to subordination of other identities citizens have is not convincing. It is not in part because of flaws in expression. A reader should not easily find minor or major faults with almost every paragraph. The thesis is also not convincing because of an apparent neglect of the very tenets of liberal democracy as specified by the author himself--free and equal members of a state. In other words, one does not have far to look for liberal democracy's clear, coherent, articulated central ideas; and the meaning of free and equal includes those whose education may be deficient, or whose "preferences" may be other than civic.

Professor ??? concludes with a warning. Losing the capacity to form habits of citizenship threatens "the citizens of North Atlantic liberal democracies today." Whether an accurate assessment or not, Professor ???'s words call us to take heed. But what North Atlantic liberal democracy today needs an influx of civil society programs such as supported the socio-political (and economic) transitions in Central and Eastern Europe in the early 1990s? Or, what cultural or other phenomena are at play somewhere to give us the idea that an act of civic education needs to be performed? It would be nice to know; some might think it imperative. Professor ??? is conspicuously silent.

April 25, 2008
Cozumel, Mexico

+ Approximately 2000 words

+ Flesch Reading Ease (target audience)--college students

+ Writing principles to be gleaned from the above critique.

1. Mean what you say and say what you mean.
2. Answer questions your reader will naturally ask.
3. Do not introduce a new thesis in the conclusion.
4. Soften assertions and opinions enough so that your reader does not question everything you say.
5. Define your terms.
6. Use examples to demonstrate or explain or clarify.
7. Use changes in register sparingly.
8. Respect the author and what s/he says even though you disagree.
9. Note the difference between effect and affect.
10. If you are going to copy something from the Internet, copy the original and keep it as is. Cite the source so your reader can find it.

Dialogues 11-23 (DRAFT)

A, a professor
B, a broker
C, B's wife
D, a student
Darrel, a student
R-O, a voice

11

Tell me again why you don't like the class? D asked.

C I think it is all a bit artificial. And what can we do with a bunch of words about someone's, for example my, subjective experience? It is all too-too.

Too wordy? It seems that way to me sometimes, but I do see some value. Entertainment for one. Aren't we all interested in the stories of others, our soap opera lives? gossip?

I guess so. But on TV, not in some class portfolio which will never be of any use to anyone else.

And if we can describe as precisely as we can what it is we experience or have experienced, aren't people like social workers and psychologists, and school teachers for that matter, likely to benefit? To see how the other's shoe fits.

Yes, I suppose you are right. But if I think about my work. That is, my volunteer work. Who has time to read all of that? Aren't we more interested, and tired at the end of the day, to just sit in front of the tube?

Yes. But someone has to write all of that so that it can air. As I look around, all I can see is that we either produce this stuff ourselves or we consume it from whoever else. It's all just stories, and some, the true ones, I think can be, well, useful. But you have a point. I suppose there is a lot of crap you have to sift through to find what entertains, or what can be helpful to . . . or . . .

She continued. And is this why you only turned in one assignment for Professor A?

I tried really hard on the first one. Then I just didn't have time. Looking in the mirror is interesting at first, but it is more fun or something to get up in the morning, choose a nice outfit, put on my face, and go out, to be busy, to help others. I like real mirrors, like in my bathroom, and the one in the bedroom.

And what kind of help do you need so much that you are always helping others. In the ways that you do.

What? I am not sure I understand that.

Well, they say that if you need to learn something, teach it. If you need help, you become a helper. What help--you can call it that--do you need?

Oh, I don't think about that.

Well, this course taught me to, and if I do, about what I do, then I find some answers to the questions I have about me and the world and people. But I admit, it is kind of like looking in the mirror all the time. Or the rearview. And sometimes I get all confused and can't sort it out.

D continued. I have my job. That is where I am in the real world. Then I have my studies here, which I think I will continue beyond my degree in December. I'm pretty sure I want to learn more about language, my own and maybe another. Spanish sounds like a good one to learn nowadays. Maybe Chinese, but I am not sure how that will fit with this liberal studies train I am on.

I don't think I will take another class anytime soon. B needs me at home in the evenings. He has taken to going out for evening walks or drives. Or sometimes he just sits in his office. I think he is bored. Or caged up.

Men are like that. If they are not doing something, they get bored. Let them out of the cage, then they stray. I have had a stream of bored or misunderstood men come up to me.

Has B come up to you? I mean I think he kind of likes you.

That is a direct question. I am surprised you're asking me. But no, he has not. I never see him. Well, not lately. He came to the coffee shop that one time. Remember. And there was one other time, at the coffee shop as a matter of fact. But I suppose he told you about that. We had quite a conversation, at least it started off on a funny note.

I don't think he told me.

He came in and I was sitting there. Computer and all. It was the afternoon I took off work to finish one of my assignments, for another class. He comes up and says, I don't care if you think I am gay or not. And I said, I don't care one way or the other if you are.

Strange.

I thought so too. But it turned into a great laugh. We talked like that for about five or ten minutes, playing around. Then he sat down and asked me what I was doing there. I told him. And he asked a bunch of questions, about A actually. I think he was interested in what you were up to on your girls' night out, with me.

Oh. He didn't think there was something. . . . He didn't mention seeing you.

Pretty innocent. Nothing's going on. Besides, with a twinkle in her eye that C missed, I haven't seen him since. He is still your husband, isn't he? The gay thing hasn't gotten in the way of everyday domesticities?

What? Are you crazy?

Just kidding.

Oh. Maybe he misses something in me, more kidding in fact. Sometimes he does that and I just don't get it. I have a hard time getting into games and such. Like that.

That is what interests me now. I want to know more about how talk, the language and verbal games we play, sort of create our realities. The fun ones and the serious ones. We didn't really get into that very much with A. And I thought that was what the course was about, where it was supposed to go. So I have signed up for more. Did you know I will be his office assistant for the summer term?

No. That's nice. But how will you balance that with work?

Don't know yet, but I need to put more important things first in my life, like you do with your community work.

Oh, that. It keeps me busy.

Well it is a good way. For now, I want to try this way for me. Work for me is less and less about personal satisfaction.

12

A I would like to ask you to help me do something.

D Sure, what is it.

It is pretty simple, really. I am going to go out into the commons and sit on a bench. Just sit there. You either stay here and go to the window and watch me till I get up and start walking back to the building, or you go to another building and window, or even outside somewhere. I don't want to know where. And you just watch me.

That is it?

Yep. Well, one or two more details. We need to time this. I will sit down on the hour, when the clarion rings. I will be out there for about a half an hour. You just note the time you start and the time you stop watching me. Write it down.

Are we doing some kind of telepathy experiment?

No, nothing like that. Just watch. I will let you in on the details after I sort my experience out. I don't know how long that will take, but I will let you in on the idea. I am not sure if it is going to go anywhere. Your participation can help me decide.

Sounds a bit mysterious, but I am game. Just look at you, watch what you do.

Yea, just watch. Don't worry. I won't be wearing a trench coat or do anything strange or embarrassing.

Okay. When do we begin? Today?

Yes, in about ten minutes. You have another hour here. We'll be finished before you have to go to wherever it is you do after you serve your time here.

I don't look at it that way.

I'm glad. So, I will be off in a few minutes. When the bell rings. I won't be looking for you. In fact, I don't want to know where you will be. You can tell me afterwards.

A left the office five minutes later. He was seated on the east side of the commons in the shade when the bell rang.

13

Do I get the inside on your, your, whatever it is you are doing?

Not yet. I should have something this evening. If you would like to stop by, I can sort of talk it through with you. I am a little tired or myopic, talking to myself about this. All can be revealed later today or the next time you are in, whatever is convenient. And I would appreciate being able to talk about it. As a matter of fact, you are perhaps the best person now to talk about it with.

14

So, I have sort of gotten my first results from this afternoon. I am not sure where to begin. I am afraid I have not got this thing conceptualized properly.

A thought and seemed to drift off somewhere. D sensed he must be tired.

She asked, Would it be better to talk when you are further along, or tomorrow perhaps?

No, no. It is okay. I just am not sure where the beginning began. It might have been in the course you took from me last term. That was an interesting experiment, probably more for me than you or the other students. In any case, that is probably where it started.

He thought a moment longer.

I know. Let's start with you. Your first assignment, I think it was. You did a description of being attractive and getting attention and what that felt like. Or what that experience was for you. Remember?

Sure. It came from first hand experience and those assignments, or school for that matter, that hooks who you are or who you think you are and tests that, those are the most meaningful. I appreciate the freedom in that class for being able to write those things. I guess you legitimized it for me, for us.

Interesting. Good. Good. That is how it should be. A personal stake in the work, or your education I guess.

Well, he continued. I don't remember all the details of your paper exactly, but maybe it put me over the edge to start a project of my own. I wanted to look into what being looked at, or rather being watched was like.

He continued. My question, still in a rough state, especially after today, is something like what is it like to be the object of someone's intentional watching. There is more to it than that I am sure. For example, if that person is or is not actually being watched. Whether she or he is aware of who or what or where. Attractive or pretty or what. All that aside. Get the idea?

She nodded. So that is something quite different from what I tried to get hold of. My interest was specific to inadvertently being approached and having unwanted attention, because, you know, of being female. Something like that.

Yes, and I can see how you might be interested in that. My compliments.

D's sensors pricked up. She became wary of what A would say next. At the same time, she resented the implication that she was being appreciated for what she looked like and not who she was, her intelligence. She let the comment hang in the air like a pinata, there but only slightly acknowledged. But she was ready to smack it, or at least give it a glancing blow if things went downhill.

A continued without skipping a beat, which seemed to take the edge off what he had just said.

My interest is a bit different. Take for example someone coming or going in the commons area. You can see them every minute of every day from my office window. I know what it is like to gaze out the window and pick out this person or that couple and follow their steps towards the next building, or between the buildings out to the parking lot, for example. But what is it like to know or suspect someone sees you? Is looking at you from a window and what you are doing, where you are going?

Sounds like you have to set up some kind of experiment, or you have to talk to them, right? Along the lines of surveillance then surveillance disclosed.

Not what I want to do. I want to have the first hand experience and then confirm it somehow without talking to anyone. An impossible task perhaps.

Maybe not. Think of men and women.

D dared to venture back into a subject she would have rather not come up, at least not again, not now.

When people walk, in the commons for example, you can't help but notice others. You see how people dress, whether someone is attractive or strange, or if you know them. We look around all the time and we are aware of that. And so is anyone who stops to think about it for just a moment. I don't think you are far off the mark. Depends on how or what you want to study. Of course, there are those too who are just on their way somewhere without noticing others. Preoccupied we can say.

Or absent minded. But no, I am being facetious. That is helpful. You have a good teacher somewhere. Frankly, I had not entertained this angle and have to think about it. As I said, my question is still a bit rough. Especially after today.

So, do you want me to tell you the details of what I did after you left the office for your stint on the bench?

Yes, but just a moment. I have to give one more bit of background.

A few weeks ago I went out on my own and did some self observation. We can call it a data-gathering instance. First person. I basically stood out in the commons, closed my eyes, and tried to sense what it was like knowing that such unusual behavior might attract at least some extended looks from passersby if not from someone looking out from a window.

Okay.

I had several remarkable sensations. Maybe they were states of consciousness. I am not sure. What I would like to know from today is where you were when you observed me. I don't want to bias myself and the experience I think I had. So, can you tell me?

I went to the social science library annex on the top floor of Bigley. I looked out of the middle window and looked straight at you. I was afraid you would see me, but I don't think you did. Did you have your eyes closed today? I don't think so.

No, I didn't

He thought for a moment.

Well, of course I was sure someone, you, were watching me. That's how we set it up. So all the business about if and so forth got taken out of the equation, or the conditions if I can call them that. But my experience does not seem to have anything to do with where you were. At least that is what I can tentatively conclude.

D was watching A intently. She was observing how he thought. And she was focusing on not his language but on what it was he was trying to do, step by step.

You see, A continued, I had similar sensations today as I did the other time I tried this. But the two experiences do not compare. Or rather, they do but not in the way I thought. Let me just tell you and see what you can make of it.

I clearly felt the first time a warming sensation, like a heat lamp had been directed at my left shoulder and arm. All the time I was being observed, or that I thought I was being observed which may be the same thing. Today I felt the same. I thought it might come from the direction of the observer or observers. But that doesn't seem to bear out. You were looking at me straight on. I wonder what that feeling was. What is the source of it?

You are asking a causal question. Is that what you want to do at this point?

No, you're right. Not at this point. But I have two instances in being observed and knowing it where I had a body-felt sensation. I am quite curious about it.

The other outstanding part of both experiences--I think I know what they were about. Surrender or acceptance. But it doesn't come unless I consciously dispel any danger from you.

I don't understand.

You are the observer. I am the observed. I know you are watching me. If I know you are no threat, I can let my consciousness of you go. Sort of like watch myself being watched. Give you and the experience some distance. I mean internal, psychic distance. The kind you have control over, if you know there is nothing untoward going to happen.

I see. Sort of.

Well, it gets a little complicated from here. That is why I have had to draft as precise a description of what happened to me as possible. No, that is wrong. What I experienced. I am not finished with today's description, but the main elements, or outstanding ones, I think I have pinpointed and without intending to replicate.

Sounds like you are onto something. But this last sentence escaped her. She was getting tired. A noticed.

15

C What's up? How's your day going? Finished work?

B abandoned his private frustration with himself and replied, Great. Yes, I am finished. What's on your agenda?

I just got back from tennis with the girls. We had some iced tea after our court time and critiqued the others from the deck, the ones who took the courts after us. We are pretty bad but you should see some of those guys. Even the men weren't too good. I know it's small but it made us feel good. You know, tennis is a difficult game. Some people should never take it up.

I know.

No. No. You should. It's fun, a social sort of thing. Do you good instead of moping around here.

I am not moping. What about this evening? What have we got planned?

Nothing. I am free. What shall we do? Eat home or out? Go do something?

Say, C, I was thinking. I am getting a little, how can I say it, itchy. Work and things are just not that interesting. Oh, I don't want to do anything silly, but I need a change of pace. A change of scenery. What do you think?

Is this just for this evening, or is it something more than that? I hope it is more, because I was thinking of a cruise.

Oh, no. Not a cruise. All those people and all that food. People just eat on those boats. And dress up. I just can't get into that. Besides, I meet people all the time.

No, you are not. You meet the same people. You have had the same clients, well, some of them for years. And eating. What's wrong with that? It's America's past time, other than shopping. That's it. Let's go shopping and you can help me buy something for Christmas.

It's September. Way too early.

Well, what then?

I don't know. I just can't leave like that. I would have to make sure to watch the markets and be in phone contact.

That's what cell phones and the Internet are for, right? That's what you told me.

Yes.

Well, give it some thought. A cruise. Maybe not a cruise, but something. I am game. Let's go out. Maybe this itch will pass.

16

Here is your wine. And how are we? I am Patty, and I will be your server this evening.

Maybe B's itch was just testosterone coursing through his body. Whether or not it was, he surrendered to the moment.

Hi, Patty. You new here? I haven't seen you before.

Yes, I'm new. I am a poor, starving student.

Well, let's see if we can put some money in your pocket. Are you the best server?

Yep. What would you like?

What are you offering?

Well, we have pizza and pizza. What kind of pie would you like? The vegetarian is pretty good.

C Well, uh . . .

B I would like whatever you recommend. Are you a vegetarian?

No, but I recommend the pepperoni. Hot and spicy.

Sounds tempting.

Hey, what about sharing a pizza?

The waitress shifted from one foot to the other accenting her own shapeliness. B could almost touch her. She was standing close to him, and then he did saying, I will have the hot and spicy. He touched her arm accenting his delight in the moment.

C And what do I want?

Yes, mam?

I would like to share a pizza, B. I can't eat a whole one myself.

Would pepperoni be okay with you?

Yes. What size should we get.

How many does an extra-large serve.

Well, it is way too big for me to eat alone. So I think it would be that or the large.

How big is the large? He held up his hands showing a roundish shape.

The waitress tucked her order pad under her arm, put the pen in her mouth and showed something larger. Through her teeth and pen she said, About this size.

Great, the large then.

It looked like you were salacing there a bit.

What?

It looked like you kind of liked her.

She is too young.

Too young? for what?

Nothing, honey, I was just having fun. Want to catch a movie afterwards?

I don't believe you. Sometimes . . .

What? A man can look, can't he?

Yes, but not touch. It looked like you were trying to touch.

If I did it was just a reassuring gesture. I do it without thinking. It is innocent. You know me better than that.

Yes, I do. But all the same, I wanted pizza, too!

Sorry. Won't happen again.

If it does, I don't want to know about it, or if I do, I will, I will . . .

Kill me?

Probably. Or at least take you to the cleaners.

Never thought of myself as dirty, old. Kind of strong, C. I said I was sorry.

Apology accepted. Now, what movies are there?

17

Darrel What's your name? I haven't seen you around here before?

D.

Well, D, is Professor A in?

No, but he should be back in a bit. I think he just went over to the cafeteria for coffee with someone from the department. Professor Jenkins, I think.

I know her. She's a looker.

D noticed that the visitor was a looker himself and took the lead.

A looker. Is that a technical term?

Why, yes it is. It comes from Domestic Science, what they used to call Home Economics. It refers to that quality in a woman, or a man, I guess, which is kind of slutty but in the end just a great person, someone you would eventually consider marrying. Having both sex appeal and personality. Maybe you?

Sounds like fiction. Particularly the Domestic Science part. I will ignore the slutty remark.

It is, er, fiction. What is your name, by the way?

D. I told you. Perhaps you need to pay attention not just in class. Domestic Science was it?

Ouch. I guess I missed the manners lesson, or the one on how to flirt.

Not to worry. I don't bite, not really.

Too bad.

He was out the door without so much as a see-you-later. D was baffled and a bit flushed. School and work and more work had taken its toll. She had forgotten to have fun. Fun and fantasy. He was good looking, and not too young. Maybe 30?

Two minutes later he was back. I didn't tell you my name. It is Darrel. Darrel Hemlock. People call me Hemi for short. Just so you know.

And he was gone again.

No, not another Darrel, she thought. And Hemlock? What kind of name was that? Cute but dangerous. No one could possibly live with a nickname like Hemi. Hemlock maneuver? No that was something else.

D thought she could also not bear Heimi, and dismissed the encounter and the person based on his name and his age.

D A Darrel Heimlick was looking for you.

A Oh, that's not his real name. What did he want?

I think he wanted something, but he didn't say.

Well, of course he wanted something. Knowing him, probably you. And some money.

He was, well, sort of . . .

Cheeky, I know.

I guess it was that. I don't know exactly why he stopped by.

Well, next time, ask. He's not like the others. The others, if you can take care of it, go ahead. Otherwise I am happy to see them. But I need to see Hemi.

Okay. Could I ask you a question?

Sure.

About your study on being watched. Doesn't it require that the person being watched knows he or she is?

Yes.

And isn't it a bit artificial to go out into the commons and act in a way where everyone or some people look at you?

Look at and watching are two different things.

Yes, I guess that is my point. I think your experiment, the first one, is not in the same domain, can I say, as the second, the one where you know I am watching you from somewhere.

You are probably right.

So which is it you are after?

I am after the second. But I thought the first was perhaps part of the second.

I am not sure what you mean.

I mean that to have one's attention drawn to something or someone is the first step. After that, if the intention is there, conscious or not, then they look at. The next part of the phenomenon is maybe a kind of curiosity, although I would like to avoid causality, which leads to watching. And watching is to understand or see what will happen. Something like that.

So you have preconceived the notion of what it is you are studying. You have it in parts already.

Not exactly. This is just a tentative circumscription of what it is I am after, and right now I know what it is about but not the details or order. I am progressing slowly with tentative hypotheses based on the experiments, or the experiences.

So what is next?

Not sure. I haven't had much time to dream that up. Create it, that is.

May I offer something?

Of course.

Well, going back to being attractive--I am--and getting attention . . .

Like from Hemi.

Okay, maybe like from Darrel. Isn't the important phenomenon, as you call it, the relationship of the subject and object and the object and the subject. Like looking at and being drawn in somehow and then watching is all prelude to a phenomenon which takes two.

I think you are assuming something here, but go on.

Well, if we describe, maybe to understand. That's what it is, isn't it? Aren't we really trying to get at something that we can use or apply, like at my job or in relationships?

Well, you have an interesting point here about a relationship, I mean any kind of relationship which involves people attending to others and vice versa based on their understandings and interpretations of each other. But that is also to organize a phenomenon before it has been looked at in its, say, essential parts or features. Its structure and aspects shall we say.

So I am making the same error you are.

No, not an error. Just you have a different notion of the phenomenon you are after. Are you after that phenomenon? Are you trying to understand your interchanges or feelings or whatever between you and others, like Hemi, I mean Darrel, or other men?

What I am after I don't know. In fact, I don't have time to be after anything. I am too committed. Too busy. And frankly having too much fun with all that I am involved with. Not work exactly. I don't mean this work but my job at the ???.

Let's just say then, that we are each interested in different things, or at least they appear different at this point. Now the other part, the practical part. I am not after practical applications of anything. I am after just getting a sure grip on what it is we deal with. In this case, my case, being watched. And as I said, I am not sure where to take it next. I too have not had much time lately. Any suggestions?

Not at the moment. Maybe it is to get another's take on being watched.

I have your first one, if you let me use it.

You mean that paper from spring term?

Yes, I think it was pretty good. I have looked at the copy you gave me with my comments. It is pretty good. Can you give it to me in electronic form? I could then study it more carefully, with the help of some programs I sometimes use.

Programs?

Yes, thinks like word and phrase counts, tagging and classifying ideas. Things like that.

I didn't know there were such things.

Well, there are. But your own brain and reflections are worth more. The programs just help in verifying things and organizing. So, if you agree, your paper will be one of now three instances of a phenomenon yet to be named or defined more carefully.

Fine. Sounds good.

You look disappointed, or . . .

I just wish I had time to do my own study, or I knew more.

That is why you are here. Why you are in school again. All of that you already know. Be patient. It will all fall into place. Who knows, maybe you will be doing domestic science or something else by the time you finish.

Domestic science? Darrel mentioned that.

Yes, he would. He's been around. Kind of a joke with us.

And A disappeared into his office.

Little boys and their secret games.

18

Whatcha up to? A voice called.

She looked up. It was him. And D immediately noticed he was about 30 plus and very handsome.

Cat got your tongue?

No, no. I just was thinking about something and . . .

Well, tell me about it. Darrel sat down.

I'm sorry. What was your name?

Darrel. But people call me Hemi.

Like hemisphere?

Oh, not so preoccupied after all.

Just getting you back.

For what?

For calling me a slut.

I didn't. I never.

You did, but that's okay. Maybe I am. This weather brings out the beast in me.

Well, if I said something rude, it is because you disarm me.

As in guns?

In a metaphorical sort of way. Like you are too pretty to be for real.

You disarm me.

She paused and then continued. In fact, you are disturbing my peace. You can't just come up looking like you do and sit down and start flirting with me.

Who's flirting?

You are.

Great. Our first fight. I mean disagreement.

Yes, disagreement is better. I hardly know you. I don't know you.

Well, I am easy to get to know. Fire away.

Okay. Are you a student?

I think you know I am. Better question, Miss, er. What's your name?

D. You should know that. I'm, I'm, I am unforgettable.

True. Question.

Okay. Do you live at home with your mother?

Nope. Moved out at 20 and been on my own since. My father's not far away and my mother also lives here in town. Want to meet her?

I think we are moving a little too fast here.

Next question then.

No, you. Tit for tat.

Puzzled Darrel said, Whatever. Let's see. How about, are you married?

That's a question.

And the answer is?

D No. But thanks for asking.

How's that?

Well, a girl likes to know that a man, such as yourself, considers certain things.

Got it. Lost me there for a moment. I thought it was a kind of proposal. A man? Never thought of myself like that. Big boy maybe. But man?

So, how old are you?

That's an inappropriate question.

To ask a woman. But not a man!

Okay. How old are you?

I said not polite to ask a lady that. Fess up. How old are you?

Well, it depends.

On what? You are some, whatever years old. Fact. Easy, straightforward question. Demands a straight answer.

Not easy. You see, if I say something and it is too young, you might not like it. And if I am too old, well, women like older men. I need to err on the side of advantage. Mine. I need to know your age first.

Okay. So tell me your age plus ten years. Then you will have answered the question to your advantage, as you say.

Forty.

Perfect age. I'm, well, I am closer to that than you might think, and that I like. Let's move on.

Whose question is it? Whose turn?

Yours.

I just had mine. It is yours.

19

Where have you been? Several people were looking for you. The Dean and some students.

I was at the library. I found loads of materials on my study. And some materials I can extrapolate from. Life is so interesting. When you start to think about things, they just get more and more interesting, and everything's connected somehow.

I am not there yet. But I am glad you are.

More miles. It is just that I have more miles. You will get there. You are just starting. I hope you are not discouraged yet. You hold great promise. You have been a great help and support to me.

Really? Thanks.

She organized the papers on her desk and summarized what she had done organizing the syllabi for the term. Then she asked, Do you use the Internet to do research and prepare for classes?

A said, Not much. The next step on the syllabi project is to take the files and put them up on my faculty Web site. I thought you could help me with that.

I can. I know a little about web sites.

Other than that, I don't do much for students and the Internet. I don't use the e-college at all. I don't understand it. As to doing background research and stuff, I don't do much with the Internet. I rely on our reference librarian and the holdings in our library, and interlibrary loan. I guess I am old fashioned.

I am taking my final required elective this term. It is the course on doing research and using human subjects. From the Psych department. Well, it is not an elective for them. But for me it is. Anyway, in class the other day, Professor Watkins mentioned a study of participants in laboratory studies. The study, I guess, summarized the experiences of those participants. I thought it related to your work.

Interesting. Did he give a reference?

Yes. I have it in my notes at home. But I can find it for you here.

Great. Could you please give me that.

She turned to her computer and began typing.

Here it is. "What rats think: First person accounts of subjects in psychological experiments." The author is Peter Gustaffson, Ph.D. Sound like something you can use?

Yes. Can we get a copy of it?

Maybe by Internet or through the reference desk. I will check into it. It will take a few minutes.

I will be here, he said as he walked into his office.

20

C Can I get you something?

No answer.

B, are you going to be okay?

Huh?

Are you okay?

Yes, I will be. But I'm . . .

B?

It is like I have been drugged. I have no energy.

Should we take you to the doctor?

Do you want to go to the doctor?

No. No.

I have to go to the ???. If I go, will you be all right?

Yes. I just want to lie here.

Is it like flu?

No. It is my head. It is all foggy.

Maybe you just need some rest.

Yes.

I will go. There is the phone. Call me if you need me. I will be back in a couple of hours.

Hmm.

Okay, then. I'm going.

B slipped back into a stupor.

21

Darrel Hi, what you up to?

D Oh, hi. Just helping out. I am almost finished.

You work here in this office?

I am Prof A's Friday.

Oh. Want to have coffee, and a sweetie?

Is that like offering some candy to a little girl? If so, you're on.

All depends on how you want to take it.

Can I meet you?

I can wait.

It'll be another twenty minutes.

We can meet. At the student union, in the grill.

22

Imagine you are an innocent agent and you have just shot one adversary in the bright sunlight of some foreign country. And around the corner there is a hostile crowd. You have your gun. You just used it, and you are standing next to the body. You hear shouting and yelling from around the corner. Someone or a couple of people come round the corner. Do you shoot? Do you shoot only if they do, or have a gun pointed at you? What do you do? In that moment, it is either your life or not. In that moment, you can kill an innocent person or a hostile one. But you don't know which and they are rounding the corner. Imagine your gun in your hand. Do you raise it? Leave it by your side. Hide it. What?

Well, I don't know. I have never . . .

Well, that is what I am studying. Human action in times or situations of stress or terror. It is a new field, my own invention. It puts together some things I am interested in, plus I can rely on some experience. I want to consult in this field when I finish.

I never. . . . So you were a soldier?

Yes. Kuwait. On God's side, he said with a wry smile.

I have nothing to relate to that. But how is it a course of study?

It is not exactly. It is a combination of fields, military tactics and strategies, criminal justice, peace and protection deployment. That sort of stuff. Plus psychology, of course, and a few other things.

Wow.

And you?

Me? I have nothing to declare. Not as far as specialization, that is. I am just getting back into school. Finishing up my degree this December and beginning next term in the liberal studies graduate program.

So I guess it is premature to ask what you will do with your degree. The master's that is.

Yes, I guess so.

What is your connection with Professor A?

A bit evasively Darrel said, I have been taking a course from him, for a long time. Kind of like a dependent study program. Seems like forever. I am trying to see if I can complete the course without repeating most of what he has set up as requirements. I have done all of that. I just didn't finish on time. One of my problems. I get a little side tracked.

Playing computer games, killing cartoon characters?

Nothing so mundane, but I have been known to stay with a game till its conclusion. I have lost my share of sleep trying to beat the other guy, or the game.

So you are a little bit unconventional.

Not really. Just a procrastinator sometimes, or a slow learner.

How about you? Ever procrastinate?

Sure. I am just finishing my first graduate degree. I started over, well, ten years ago.

Longer ago than that, right?

Yea, you are right. I am 37.

I knew it. I like older women.

Good.

D and Darrel had reached a kind of stopping point, more because of D's doing than Darrel's. She did not want to proceed without caution. Past experience with men who seemed attracted to her--she needed something more she felt. And this was a good start.

23

A It is really a meta-perspective. All fiction is.

D How is that?

Well, regardless of how a story is presented, you know, the different persons. First person, third person omniscient, etc. Whatever that voice, it is of someone. That perspective is the one you get when all matters are reduced. Or, maybe a better way to look at it. That is the voice you hear if you stand way, way back from the text.

So how does this relate to writing in academia or in science, like the human sciences?

Convention often dictates the voice to write in. For example, in biology, you seldom get a scientific paper which is written in the first person. You get carefully crafted disembodied descriptions of method, results, procedures, hypotheses, etc. In psychology, sometimes you get first person accounts, of the same or similar aspects of a study.

Why is that?

Well, I can't fully account for it. That is not my field. However, a simple answer is that there is the recognition in psychology, for example, that the researcher and his or her participation or complicity in the study needs to be shown, or acknowledged. Plus, the results of these studies involving human and group behavior are qualitatively different than other disciplines.

Let's get back to fiction. Why is knowing about or understanding methods of telling stories important for our purposes?

Some of the best descriptions of consciousness are in fictional accounts. Whether they are true or not does not matter here so much as the techniques of telling. If you get a fix on who is speaking and what they are speaking about, you get that much closer to that being talked about. Studying fiction allows us to practice sorting character from narrator from author, for example. And when you are trying to either get a handle on something or to present it, our disciplines, can I say, demand clarity. Reflecting things as they are, as if in a mirror newly Windexed. So studying fiction is a tool. And writing as if an author, not academic, can be enlightening.

I think I am getting enlightened, but the light is too bright. Or it reveals too much to do and to learn.

That is a common enough response. Don't worry. It comes in time, and then you take a lifetime to hone your thinking and presenting.

I guess so. Sounds like my studies will not end with another master's.

Not if you want this badly enough. Are you at that point yet?

Well, this time with you has helped me to focus my lens, if I can say that. Now I am starting to see what is in the frame. And that frame is more, more. I don't know. More complicated that I had even imagined. Last summer I thought I could get in and out of here by just branching out a little in my studies for the next two years. Now I am beginning to think that I will have to pay tuition forever.

Yep. That is about it. Tuition forever. But if you become an academic, tuition is paid and you get to study to your heart's content. If you like young people and teaching as well as an intellectual life, well, you are set. Sort of.

Sort of?

That is a whole other subject. Not for today. You have enough to think about?

Sure do. Plus I've got these. . . .

Yes, and I keep giving you work. Slave labor. But I hope it isn't too boring, or irrelevant.

Not yet.

I am off to the library. I want to look something up. And pick up that article you arranged for me. There might be a student looking for me.

I will see what she wants and . . .

He. Hemi. Just let him wait in my office. If you have to go, that is fine.

Well, I will be here till three. If Hemi does not show up by then, I will lock up.

Good. And thanks.

Thank you. He was off.

Dialogues 1-10 (DRAFT)

A, a professor
B, a broker
C, B's wife
D, a student
Darrel, a student
R-O, a voice

1

D I get this descriptions thing, I think. But I think A is holding back, not telling us the important stuff. The course is just beginning, and he is going through all kinds of examples and such. I don't know what to look for or to write, for God's sake. But the text from the Lord of the Rings was really great. And he said it came from the movie, not the book. What do you think?

C Beats me. I don't know how I am going to use any of this stuff. Three weeks into term and I don't know what it's about. I don't know.

D Well, let's give it a chance. I enjoy having you there in class with me. Like old times, sort of. Plus there are some cute younger guys.

C Sure, but. . . . Well, it had better get more, um, more . . . specific. I am here for the fun of it and it's not much of that, yet.

D Bad news. But hey, I know. Not supposed to be the point. But some of them are nice scenery. Look but don't touch. I'm not into these kids. In college. Whew. Some are so young!

C Well, I haven't seen anything as nice as B. And I'm not looking.

D I'm not either. But you have to look in order to describe, right?

C Hmm. I guess so. But really, D. You are such a persistent pill sometimes.

2

B How was your day?

C Oh. Same old, same old. But I did see Heather Childs today. She said Charlie is in the hospital.

I didn't know that. Is it serious?

No, I don't think so. Something about observation.

So this is not a scheduled visit but something maybe serious.

Maybe. Maybe you could stop by tomorrow afternoon.

For sure. Charlie is a great guy, and he spends a little money with me. Should at least pop in and see how he's doing.

Good. Say, want to watch that new movie at the Cinemax on Friday?

Which one?

The one with that hunk of an actor, what's his name?

You mean the one who is married in real life to that delicious blonde, what's her name?

Boys will be boys. Yes. That one. Pamela, I think. Something. What was his name?

Rock Hudson.

You're kidding.

Nope.

Yes you are.

Let's go. I think she is a great actress.

Of course you do.

3

C This is to die for.

D Everyone says that. We should try to describe the experience of dying from an overdose of chocolate.

Never mind that. You can just say mmm, and there you have it. All the description you need.

Mmm.

Yep.

After each had had two point five mouthfuls, the real death began.

C This is really sinful, and too sweet. I have had almost enough.

C slowly lifted the dessert fork to her mouth with a small corner of the poison.

D Pretty rich, I'd say.

Mmmm.

4

B Are you saving that last bite for me?

D You can have mine too. I have had it. Too rich.

Thanks. What are you girls solving here.

C Chocolate. We had class and came here. Thought we'd sin without being seen. Then you came along. We're busted.

B I love to see others sin. Especially catching them in the act.

C Oh, you don't.

Yes, I do. Especially two beautiful women.

That's suggestive. But we're really innocent. Aren't we D?

That's right. But I did have a big O a short while ago. You missed it. So did C, busy having her own.

This is a different D, thought B.

C Whether I did or didn't I can't say.

I'd like to have been a fly on the wall and seen what was going on before I came.

Seen? You mean heard. C was screaming. Well, not exactly too loud, but it was with delicious pleasure all the same.

I think we can change the subject.

Yes, I suppose so.

B How was class?

D Great. It is too bad it meets just once a week. I think it is going to be really my best class this term. I mean the one I am most interested in. That is the way of electives. They are like icing on the cake. In fact, they are like this cake, all icing.

You mean the course is that good? Like to die for, or sex.

It is sexy, but in the way of being so tempting, and each time I approach each new topic, my heart literally starts pounding. I find so much there to think about and apply to . . . life. You know, in my own . . . struggles.

You don't have struggles.

Hmm, yes I do. And this course, maybe it is the readings or Professor A. I prefer to work on this course and go to class. My other courses are great. But this is greater.

Got it for the Professor, eh?

Nothing like that.

Oh.

No. Right C? He is nice looking and all. But too old for me. But when he opens his mouth or writes something on the board, my senses come alive. The words just touch me somehow.

Touch you . . .

Yes. But not what you are thinking. Bad boy. C you really have to pay more attention to your husband's, er, cravings, for chocolate cake or something.

I do. Don't I, dear?

Yes. Yes. We're not talking about that. And what about you. Do you find the course as stimulating?

I do. I think. I am not sure exactly. D is used to this kind of stuff. I am more practical or something. If stories, for example, are what make our reality, how do stories get to be the same and have the same meanings? I can't quite make sense of that. A said that tonight. I don't know.

Well, I think you have summarized the topic for this evening's class, and I also think we did not get to an answer. I think we need to go deeper. That is why I am excited. More readings of Germans in translation, I think, plus more from A. For sure he's holding back. I think he thinks we should somehow find the answer through experience. I just don't know what that would be other than coming up with our own descriptions.

Like the cake?

Yea, like the cake. As difficult as it can be to do, we should try to do it, in words.

B You've lost me. I am back there with cake, or sex. And that is all pretty interesting. How your course has anything to do with cake is beyond me.

Well, that's why I am taking the course.

Oh.

Yes, it is sort of like that. And it is getting late. Must be about my beauty rest.

Let's pay and call it a night. I have to go to work in the morning.

And I have to get up early.

They packed up books, notebooks and bags, and B paid at the cashier's.

It is nice to see you again, D, said B.

Next week if not before.

Can we give you a lift? C said to D.

D No, I can walk.

For a woman to walk home in the dark after ten was quite safe in ???. D felt safe, and C and B felt comfortable letting her go. ??? had little experience with muggers and stalkers and crime. A safe haven in a world of voyeurs and others.

Were you flirting with D?

Yes. But let's go. I have to get up early.

5

Professor A, may I have a word with you? she asked standing in his office doorway.

Of course. You are? Thursday's talking-talk class, aren't you. D. A lot of younger students in there, aren't there? Well except for my . . .

Yes, well. I was just interested in knowing more about something that we, well, talked about last week. I spent some hours on the weekend thinking about reflection and reflexivity. I can't quite understand these things. I know I should. They are pretty common words, and I have done some of the readings.

Sit down. Sit down. Well, you wouldn't be the first to meditate on these words. After all, books and articles and at least half the departments in the university use these terms. Why, literature studies alone nowadays is replete with histories of contemplation, contemplating one's navel that is. What is it about them you are having trouble with.

Well, I wasn't meditating exactly. I guess I just don't understand what we are trying to do in class. How reflection fits in, I guess.

You mean how reflection fits into your studies.

Yes, I suppose.

Reflection is always personal. It takes a subject. Hmm. That won't do.

A stopped for a moment and looked up to the ceiling as if the answer were written somewhere up there.

Let me see if I can conjure up a simple definition for our purposes. Let's say I have an experience. And I sense it is remarkable in some way. I think about it, after I have had it. That is reflection. Looking back to see what was there. But not only that, how I experienced whatever that was too.

That's pretty simple. I think I got that far already. But I don't usually do it, I mean myself, looking back, that is. But I see what you mean. But why is it so important for our purposes, as you said. Maybe I just am feeling a bit primitive in that that is not something I usually deliberately do. I just usually do, whatever, anything. And I don't give much thought about it. Afterwards that is.

Interesting. You just did.

What?

You just looked back, on yourself or your behavior. Not specifically maybe, but back all the same. And you . . . no, let's let that go.

We may be missing something. Let me see if I can conjure up an example this time. Something to show how it might be important for, for. . . . Let me see.

He looked up at the ceiling again.

I have it here. For 'who we are and what is possible for us'. The course description.

Okay. I think I am following you.

I look out my window and I see students walking to and fro. In the commons right out there. And I observe one or many for a time, today. And then I turn around and ask two questions. What did I experience? and how did I experience it? Simplified phenomenology al la Husserl, for example. He would not see it quite so simply, I'm afraid, but that is beside the point. The two questions are the reflection. Now, after I sort out these questions, provided of course I eliminate any and all preconceptions about the students, where they are coming from, where they are going, that they are even students, I should have something like a pure or unadorned description. That is what reflection can do for you. Gives you another experience, if you will, to most precisely describe another it in the immediate or distant past.

This is getting a little deep. But if I do all of that, once I get it into my brain, and it will for sure take longer than having the first experience itself, what is it good for?

Indeed it will take longer than the immediate experience. And the point, if you want to frame it like that, is what you uncover, maybe what you discover.

Okay. Just another experience, right? I mean you do something and then you look at it from different angles. And that looking, I guess I would call it, is another experience. And I can look at that, and so on. Seems like a never ending story, I mean fiction, to me.

I guess you can look at it that way for now, but I wouldn't stop there. You have to do the description before you can judge its worth. I think you will find you are not thinking or writing fiction. Far from it. Just as you have to experience something to appreciate it fully versus talking about it before the fact. Give it a try. That is how I have set it up for you. Assignment two, due next class, in a few days. Have you started writing yet?

No. I guess I was sort of stuck over the weekend. This has helped. But what does watching what is going on outside your window, for example, lead you to? It is kind of like the ivory tower, if I can say that. If I told anyone at work, they would say . . .

Don't worry about that or them. When I finish my study, I will let you see it.

You mean you are really going to do this exercise just like us, you and your window? I would like to see that. Before I have to give you my assignment.

I am sure you would, if you want to avoid coming to terms with your own way of experience. I have to think about whether you can see it, in actual fact, or not. I will do my study. I have been thinking about doing something like my example. You will have to wait. But I think there is more to any procrastination about this next assignment. You may have the block inside you.

I don't see it as a block so much as lack of knowledge or skill, or knowing what you want.

It is not about what I want.

Oh.

Trust yourself. Take the assignment as given. And do the best you can without writing a book. It is due Thursday, and I hope we can summarize a few from the class and discuss them a bit.

I will do my best. But . . .

But?

This is unfamiliar territory for me. It is not, can I say, my normal way of doing things.

Ah, you have articulated the rationale for this course and getting an education and a myriad of other things. Except an education is sometimes not so much about learning about doing as about thinking and being.

That is what I thought. This is about life, isn't it?

A said nothing and just looked at her.

But my feelings tell me to go ahead carefully. My head doesn't tell me that. I guess I need to engage my head a bit more on this one.

Whatever works. I suspect reflection, as you put your problem or wonder, is at the heart of it. And that could be something not about the course and what we are talking about and more about you. Do you want to learn more about you?

Sure.

Give the assignment a try and we can discuss it in class.

That would be fine, except for . . .

For anything deeply personal that you might find in your navel contemplations?

Yes. Navel contemplations. I will be watching my navel? I guess I see that. Maybe I don't want to share some of that

Well, contemplating one's navel is an oversimplification. We can talk more about that later. And of course you can share what you feel comfortable with, and leave out the rest.

D left the office. It was not until she was out in the commons herself that she discovered her teacher had not really answered her question. Just put it back on her. And he hadn't even mentioned reflexivity.

6

B Who is D talking to?

C Oh, that's our teacher. The one for the class I'm taking.

What's his name?

Professor A

Nice looking man.

Can you see him from here?

D and the Professor paused under a walkway lamp. In the tent of light that clearly showed these actors, they were conversing, but it appeared that D was worried or anxious. She gestured with her arms, messenger bag thrown back over her shoulder. They were unaware of any audience.

D seems pretty intense. What are they talking about?

I don't know. Something about Professor A's work, I think. I don't understand it. D is pretty interested in it.

Pretty interested in his work or him?

His work, I'm pretty sure. A is too old for D, but you never know. Anyway, let's go. I'm tired.

Okay. But it looks like she's doing the talking. He is mostly listening.

Is this interesting for you?

Oh, no. Women and men, you know. I haven't got much to do these days. The market is in the middle of one of its even, steady-as-she-goes cycles. Clients are quiet. No new business. I'm just sort of distracted, that's all.

7

Where have you been, C said as if singing it, you hitting an elongated high note.

B Walking. In the park.

Which park?

B was collecting himself still. He answered in a desultory way, The one that goes up to Sisyphus. I sort of got caught in the dark. Lucky I found the car. Stumbled my way back to the lot. Sorry I am late.

Are you hungry?

Yes, a little. What have we got?

Didn't you read my note? Meat loaf. It's still warm.

B didn't respond. He seemed caught in some kind of whirlpool of thought, some reverie.

B?

Yes. Oh.

Is something wrong?

Oh, no. No. Where's that meat loaf.

In the oven, hiding there for you to find it. I will cut you a piece. Sandwich or on a plate with some ketchup?

Oh, sandwich please. Ketchup if it is warm. Otherwise mayo.

Coming right up. There is some leftover wine, if you like.

I like. I could use a little something to elegantify the main course.

Elegantify? Well, we are becoming chipper. And at this time of night. Or is this something about my pedestrian cuisine. Two can play the same game, you know.

Yep. Chipper. That's what it is. I saw A on my way home. I think it was A. Does he live on the west side? He was walking in that direction.

I don't know. You went by school? Did you forget I had my car?

No. Just on my way home. He was walking on Third Street, a block or two from The Huddle. Does he have a thing for D?

I don't think so. Could be. You know, dirty old men and all of that. D is, well, attractive, wouldn't you say?

I would. Definitely.

She's interested in him, though. They have met two or three times outside of class in just the past week alone. I think she finds him, um, interesting.

Interesting. In what way?

Don't know. Wasn't there. Here's the beef, kiddo. Ketchup, not mayo.

Thanks.

Why do you ask?

Ask what?

About D.

I didn't ask about D.

Yes, you did.

I was just interested in A, that's all. Seems like an interesting guy.

He is.

Does he ever walk up by Sisyphus.

I have no idea. I don't know him except for class. D might know. Meaningful pause. You could ask her.

B ignored this last remark. He was digging in to his late evening repast. And that is how he thought of it, as a repast. He was now in some kind of zone that had to do with mindfully delighting in C's meat loaf, the best. Still warm and with a fresh blob of ketchup on top.

C broke the silence. You could take a class, you know. We could do it together. It would be fun. A is interesting and has a lot of things to talk about. There are other professors over there, and it's so easy to take a course or sit in on one. As residents of ???, we have special dispensation or something where the cost of attendance is free, or almost. You have to buy the books and stuff if you really want to learn something. And doing the assignments is optional. But I think doing them, I learn more. Feel more a part of the group. And we can meet interesting people there. They're not all students.

There's an idea. Did you and D plan on taking the class together or did it just work out that way?

We planned it, but she is taking the course for credit. So our interests, or should I say commitment, is different.

Oh.

He took another bite and chased it with a swig of wine, cold from the fridge.

Well, I'm tired. I'm going to get ready for bed.

Be there pretty quick. Don't fall asleep.

8

B Rise and shine. You have a doctor's appointment today. Before your luncheon with the auxiliary. I've made coffee for you.

Oh. Thanks, dear. Where are you off to? Don't you have to work?

Market's closed today. Nothing pressing. I thought I'd get out for a walk early. I'll be back by lunchtime and maybe blow off the rest of the day. I'm feeling expansive.

This is too . . . I just woke up. Give me a few moments.

Sure. Spring is in the air and I'm feeling fresh, fresh as an adolescent with ants in my pants. Gotta move.

Oh, God. What do I have here?

B was out the door a few minutes later in his shorts, a T-shirt and running shoes. C heard the car pull out of the driveway.

Now, what has gotten into him?

She sat down and took a sip of coffee. The phone rang.

C?

Yes, D?

Yeah. Can you believe that class last night. I was so embarrassed. I don't want to be on stage, the one whose paper gets discussed. The discussion got a little personal, don't you think? Have you finished yours yet?

Yes, I am ready to turn it in. I hope he has time to read it. It would be nice to get some feedback. I'm sure mine is not as interesting as yours, but I worked hard on it. Say, aren't you at work?

Well, actually I was calling my sister, but somehow dialed your number. Sorry. But now that I have you, do you want me to read your paper before you turn it in?

No, I think it will do for now. Maybe when I can turn it in on time next time. And I could read yours.

Sounds good. Got to get back to work. Boss's coming.

C hung up and sat down again at the breakfast table. Things were strange, not ordinary, not as usual, different.

9

After exchanging pleasantries and leaving unacknowledged their past association, they were homecoming king and queen ages ago at Fairmont Senior High School, C asked him straight out.

What would it cost to have someone followed?

10

C You're here. Whose car is that in the garage?

B What? Guess.

Guess? It's new. No clue.

B said nothing.

You didn't.

I did.

But where is my car?

In the garage.

No.

Where is your car, then?

I gave it to a homeless person.

This stopped her again in her tracks.

What?

No, mine is being serviced. Didn't I tell you?