Dialogues 11-23 (DRAFT)

A, a professor
B, a broker
C, B's wife
D, a student
Darrel, a student
R-O, a voice

11

Tell me again why you don't like the class? D asked.

C I think it is all a bit artificial. And what can we do with a bunch of words about someone's, for example my, subjective experience? It is all too-too.

Too wordy? It seems that way to me sometimes, but I do see some value. Entertainment for one. Aren't we all interested in the stories of others, our soap opera lives? gossip?

I guess so. But on TV, not in some class portfolio which will never be of any use to anyone else.

And if we can describe as precisely as we can what it is we experience or have experienced, aren't people like social workers and psychologists, and school teachers for that matter, likely to benefit? To see how the other's shoe fits.

Yes, I suppose you are right. But if I think about my work. That is, my volunteer work. Who has time to read all of that? Aren't we more interested, and tired at the end of the day, to just sit in front of the tube?

Yes. But someone has to write all of that so that it can air. As I look around, all I can see is that we either produce this stuff ourselves or we consume it from whoever else. It's all just stories, and some, the true ones, I think can be, well, useful. But you have a point. I suppose there is a lot of crap you have to sift through to find what entertains, or what can be helpful to . . . or . . .

She continued. And is this why you only turned in one assignment for Professor A?

I tried really hard on the first one. Then I just didn't have time. Looking in the mirror is interesting at first, but it is more fun or something to get up in the morning, choose a nice outfit, put on my face, and go out, to be busy, to help others. I like real mirrors, like in my bathroom, and the one in the bedroom.

And what kind of help do you need so much that you are always helping others. In the ways that you do.

What? I am not sure I understand that.

Well, they say that if you need to learn something, teach it. If you need help, you become a helper. What help--you can call it that--do you need?

Oh, I don't think about that.

Well, this course taught me to, and if I do, about what I do, then I find some answers to the questions I have about me and the world and people. But I admit, it is kind of like looking in the mirror all the time. Or the rearview. And sometimes I get all confused and can't sort it out.

D continued. I have my job. That is where I am in the real world. Then I have my studies here, which I think I will continue beyond my degree in December. I'm pretty sure I want to learn more about language, my own and maybe another. Spanish sounds like a good one to learn nowadays. Maybe Chinese, but I am not sure how that will fit with this liberal studies train I am on.

I don't think I will take another class anytime soon. B needs me at home in the evenings. He has taken to going out for evening walks or drives. Or sometimes he just sits in his office. I think he is bored. Or caged up.

Men are like that. If they are not doing something, they get bored. Let them out of the cage, then they stray. I have had a stream of bored or misunderstood men come up to me.

Has B come up to you? I mean I think he kind of likes you.

That is a direct question. I am surprised you're asking me. But no, he has not. I never see him. Well, not lately. He came to the coffee shop that one time. Remember. And there was one other time, at the coffee shop as a matter of fact. But I suppose he told you about that. We had quite a conversation, at least it started off on a funny note.

I don't think he told me.

He came in and I was sitting there. Computer and all. It was the afternoon I took off work to finish one of my assignments, for another class. He comes up and says, I don't care if you think I am gay or not. And I said, I don't care one way or the other if you are.

Strange.

I thought so too. But it turned into a great laugh. We talked like that for about five or ten minutes, playing around. Then he sat down and asked me what I was doing there. I told him. And he asked a bunch of questions, about A actually. I think he was interested in what you were up to on your girls' night out, with me.

Oh. He didn't think there was something. . . . He didn't mention seeing you.

Pretty innocent. Nothing's going on. Besides, with a twinkle in her eye that C missed, I haven't seen him since. He is still your husband, isn't he? The gay thing hasn't gotten in the way of everyday domesticities?

What? Are you crazy?

Just kidding.

Oh. Maybe he misses something in me, more kidding in fact. Sometimes he does that and I just don't get it. I have a hard time getting into games and such. Like that.

That is what interests me now. I want to know more about how talk, the language and verbal games we play, sort of create our realities. The fun ones and the serious ones. We didn't really get into that very much with A. And I thought that was what the course was about, where it was supposed to go. So I have signed up for more. Did you know I will be his office assistant for the summer term?

No. That's nice. But how will you balance that with work?

Don't know yet, but I need to put more important things first in my life, like you do with your community work.

Oh, that. It keeps me busy.

Well it is a good way. For now, I want to try this way for me. Work for me is less and less about personal satisfaction.

12

A I would like to ask you to help me do something.

D Sure, what is it.

It is pretty simple, really. I am going to go out into the commons and sit on a bench. Just sit there. You either stay here and go to the window and watch me till I get up and start walking back to the building, or you go to another building and window, or even outside somewhere. I don't want to know where. And you just watch me.

That is it?

Yep. Well, one or two more details. We need to time this. I will sit down on the hour, when the clarion rings. I will be out there for about a half an hour. You just note the time you start and the time you stop watching me. Write it down.

Are we doing some kind of telepathy experiment?

No, nothing like that. Just watch. I will let you in on the details after I sort my experience out. I don't know how long that will take, but I will let you in on the idea. I am not sure if it is going to go anywhere. Your participation can help me decide.

Sounds a bit mysterious, but I am game. Just look at you, watch what you do.

Yea, just watch. Don't worry. I won't be wearing a trench coat or do anything strange or embarrassing.

Okay. When do we begin? Today?

Yes, in about ten minutes. You have another hour here. We'll be finished before you have to go to wherever it is you do after you serve your time here.

I don't look at it that way.

I'm glad. So, I will be off in a few minutes. When the bell rings. I won't be looking for you. In fact, I don't want to know where you will be. You can tell me afterwards.

A left the office five minutes later. He was seated on the east side of the commons in the shade when the bell rang.

13

Do I get the inside on your, your, whatever it is you are doing?

Not yet. I should have something this evening. If you would like to stop by, I can sort of talk it through with you. I am a little tired or myopic, talking to myself about this. All can be revealed later today or the next time you are in, whatever is convenient. And I would appreciate being able to talk about it. As a matter of fact, you are perhaps the best person now to talk about it with.

14

So, I have sort of gotten my first results from this afternoon. I am not sure where to begin. I am afraid I have not got this thing conceptualized properly.

A thought and seemed to drift off somewhere. D sensed he must be tired.

She asked, Would it be better to talk when you are further along, or tomorrow perhaps?

No, no. It is okay. I just am not sure where the beginning began. It might have been in the course you took from me last term. That was an interesting experiment, probably more for me than you or the other students. In any case, that is probably where it started.

He thought a moment longer.

I know. Let's start with you. Your first assignment, I think it was. You did a description of being attractive and getting attention and what that felt like. Or what that experience was for you. Remember?

Sure. It came from first hand experience and those assignments, or school for that matter, that hooks who you are or who you think you are and tests that, those are the most meaningful. I appreciate the freedom in that class for being able to write those things. I guess you legitimized it for me, for us.

Interesting. Good. Good. That is how it should be. A personal stake in the work, or your education I guess.

Well, he continued. I don't remember all the details of your paper exactly, but maybe it put me over the edge to start a project of my own. I wanted to look into what being looked at, or rather being watched was like.

He continued. My question, still in a rough state, especially after today, is something like what is it like to be the object of someone's intentional watching. There is more to it than that I am sure. For example, if that person is or is not actually being watched. Whether she or he is aware of who or what or where. Attractive or pretty or what. All that aside. Get the idea?

She nodded. So that is something quite different from what I tried to get hold of. My interest was specific to inadvertently being approached and having unwanted attention, because, you know, of being female. Something like that.

Yes, and I can see how you might be interested in that. My compliments.

D's sensors pricked up. She became wary of what A would say next. At the same time, she resented the implication that she was being appreciated for what she looked like and not who she was, her intelligence. She let the comment hang in the air like a pinata, there but only slightly acknowledged. But she was ready to smack it, or at least give it a glancing blow if things went downhill.

A continued without skipping a beat, which seemed to take the edge off what he had just said.

My interest is a bit different. Take for example someone coming or going in the commons area. You can see them every minute of every day from my office window. I know what it is like to gaze out the window and pick out this person or that couple and follow their steps towards the next building, or between the buildings out to the parking lot, for example. But what is it like to know or suspect someone sees you? Is looking at you from a window and what you are doing, where you are going?

Sounds like you have to set up some kind of experiment, or you have to talk to them, right? Along the lines of surveillance then surveillance disclosed.

Not what I want to do. I want to have the first hand experience and then confirm it somehow without talking to anyone. An impossible task perhaps.

Maybe not. Think of men and women.

D dared to venture back into a subject she would have rather not come up, at least not again, not now.

When people walk, in the commons for example, you can't help but notice others. You see how people dress, whether someone is attractive or strange, or if you know them. We look around all the time and we are aware of that. And so is anyone who stops to think about it for just a moment. I don't think you are far off the mark. Depends on how or what you want to study. Of course, there are those too who are just on their way somewhere without noticing others. Preoccupied we can say.

Or absent minded. But no, I am being facetious. That is helpful. You have a good teacher somewhere. Frankly, I had not entertained this angle and have to think about it. As I said, my question is still a bit rough. Especially after today.

So, do you want me to tell you the details of what I did after you left the office for your stint on the bench?

Yes, but just a moment. I have to give one more bit of background.

A few weeks ago I went out on my own and did some self observation. We can call it a data-gathering instance. First person. I basically stood out in the commons, closed my eyes, and tried to sense what it was like knowing that such unusual behavior might attract at least some extended looks from passersby if not from someone looking out from a window.

Okay.

I had several remarkable sensations. Maybe they were states of consciousness. I am not sure. What I would like to know from today is where you were when you observed me. I don't want to bias myself and the experience I think I had. So, can you tell me?

I went to the social science library annex on the top floor of Bigley. I looked out of the middle window and looked straight at you. I was afraid you would see me, but I don't think you did. Did you have your eyes closed today? I don't think so.

No, I didn't

He thought for a moment.

Well, of course I was sure someone, you, were watching me. That's how we set it up. So all the business about if and so forth got taken out of the equation, or the conditions if I can call them that. But my experience does not seem to have anything to do with where you were. At least that is what I can tentatively conclude.

D was watching A intently. She was observing how he thought. And she was focusing on not his language but on what it was he was trying to do, step by step.

You see, A continued, I had similar sensations today as I did the other time I tried this. But the two experiences do not compare. Or rather, they do but not in the way I thought. Let me just tell you and see what you can make of it.

I clearly felt the first time a warming sensation, like a heat lamp had been directed at my left shoulder and arm. All the time I was being observed, or that I thought I was being observed which may be the same thing. Today I felt the same. I thought it might come from the direction of the observer or observers. But that doesn't seem to bear out. You were looking at me straight on. I wonder what that feeling was. What is the source of it?

You are asking a causal question. Is that what you want to do at this point?

No, you're right. Not at this point. But I have two instances in being observed and knowing it where I had a body-felt sensation. I am quite curious about it.

The other outstanding part of both experiences--I think I know what they were about. Surrender or acceptance. But it doesn't come unless I consciously dispel any danger from you.

I don't understand.

You are the observer. I am the observed. I know you are watching me. If I know you are no threat, I can let my consciousness of you go. Sort of like watch myself being watched. Give you and the experience some distance. I mean internal, psychic distance. The kind you have control over, if you know there is nothing untoward going to happen.

I see. Sort of.

Well, it gets a little complicated from here. That is why I have had to draft as precise a description of what happened to me as possible. No, that is wrong. What I experienced. I am not finished with today's description, but the main elements, or outstanding ones, I think I have pinpointed and without intending to replicate.

Sounds like you are onto something. But this last sentence escaped her. She was getting tired. A noticed.

15

C What's up? How's your day going? Finished work?

B abandoned his private frustration with himself and replied, Great. Yes, I am finished. What's on your agenda?

I just got back from tennis with the girls. We had some iced tea after our court time and critiqued the others from the deck, the ones who took the courts after us. We are pretty bad but you should see some of those guys. Even the men weren't too good. I know it's small but it made us feel good. You know, tennis is a difficult game. Some people should never take it up.

I know.

No. No. You should. It's fun, a social sort of thing. Do you good instead of moping around here.

I am not moping. What about this evening? What have we got planned?

Nothing. I am free. What shall we do? Eat home or out? Go do something?

Say, C, I was thinking. I am getting a little, how can I say it, itchy. Work and things are just not that interesting. Oh, I don't want to do anything silly, but I need a change of pace. A change of scenery. What do you think?

Is this just for this evening, or is it something more than that? I hope it is more, because I was thinking of a cruise.

Oh, no. Not a cruise. All those people and all that food. People just eat on those boats. And dress up. I just can't get into that. Besides, I meet people all the time.

No, you are not. You meet the same people. You have had the same clients, well, some of them for years. And eating. What's wrong with that? It's America's past time, other than shopping. That's it. Let's go shopping and you can help me buy something for Christmas.

It's September. Way too early.

Well, what then?

I don't know. I just can't leave like that. I would have to make sure to watch the markets and be in phone contact.

That's what cell phones and the Internet are for, right? That's what you told me.

Yes.

Well, give it some thought. A cruise. Maybe not a cruise, but something. I am game. Let's go out. Maybe this itch will pass.

16

Here is your wine. And how are we? I am Patty, and I will be your server this evening.

Maybe B's itch was just testosterone coursing through his body. Whether or not it was, he surrendered to the moment.

Hi, Patty. You new here? I haven't seen you before.

Yes, I'm new. I am a poor, starving student.

Well, let's see if we can put some money in your pocket. Are you the best server?

Yep. What would you like?

What are you offering?

Well, we have pizza and pizza. What kind of pie would you like? The vegetarian is pretty good.

C Well, uh . . .

B I would like whatever you recommend. Are you a vegetarian?

No, but I recommend the pepperoni. Hot and spicy.

Sounds tempting.

Hey, what about sharing a pizza?

The waitress shifted from one foot to the other accenting her own shapeliness. B could almost touch her. She was standing close to him, and then he did saying, I will have the hot and spicy. He touched her arm accenting his delight in the moment.

C And what do I want?

Yes, mam?

I would like to share a pizza, B. I can't eat a whole one myself.

Would pepperoni be okay with you?

Yes. What size should we get.

How many does an extra-large serve.

Well, it is way too big for me to eat alone. So I think it would be that or the large.

How big is the large? He held up his hands showing a roundish shape.

The waitress tucked her order pad under her arm, put the pen in her mouth and showed something larger. Through her teeth and pen she said, About this size.

Great, the large then.

It looked like you were salacing there a bit.

What?

It looked like you kind of liked her.

She is too young.

Too young? for what?

Nothing, honey, I was just having fun. Want to catch a movie afterwards?

I don't believe you. Sometimes . . .

What? A man can look, can't he?

Yes, but not touch. It looked like you were trying to touch.

If I did it was just a reassuring gesture. I do it without thinking. It is innocent. You know me better than that.

Yes, I do. But all the same, I wanted pizza, too!

Sorry. Won't happen again.

If it does, I don't want to know about it, or if I do, I will, I will . . .

Kill me?

Probably. Or at least take you to the cleaners.

Never thought of myself as dirty, old. Kind of strong, C. I said I was sorry.

Apology accepted. Now, what movies are there?

17

Darrel What's your name? I haven't seen you around here before?

D.

Well, D, is Professor A in?

No, but he should be back in a bit. I think he just went over to the cafeteria for coffee with someone from the department. Professor Jenkins, I think.

I know her. She's a looker.

D noticed that the visitor was a looker himself and took the lead.

A looker. Is that a technical term?

Why, yes it is. It comes from Domestic Science, what they used to call Home Economics. It refers to that quality in a woman, or a man, I guess, which is kind of slutty but in the end just a great person, someone you would eventually consider marrying. Having both sex appeal and personality. Maybe you?

Sounds like fiction. Particularly the Domestic Science part. I will ignore the slutty remark.

It is, er, fiction. What is your name, by the way?

D. I told you. Perhaps you need to pay attention not just in class. Domestic Science was it?

Ouch. I guess I missed the manners lesson, or the one on how to flirt.

Not to worry. I don't bite, not really.

Too bad.

He was out the door without so much as a see-you-later. D was baffled and a bit flushed. School and work and more work had taken its toll. She had forgotten to have fun. Fun and fantasy. He was good looking, and not too young. Maybe 30?

Two minutes later he was back. I didn't tell you my name. It is Darrel. Darrel Hemlock. People call me Hemi for short. Just so you know.

And he was gone again.

No, not another Darrel, she thought. And Hemlock? What kind of name was that? Cute but dangerous. No one could possibly live with a nickname like Hemi. Hemlock maneuver? No that was something else.

D thought she could also not bear Heimi, and dismissed the encounter and the person based on his name and his age.

D A Darrel Heimlick was looking for you.

A Oh, that's not his real name. What did he want?

I think he wanted something, but he didn't say.

Well, of course he wanted something. Knowing him, probably you. And some money.

He was, well, sort of . . .

Cheeky, I know.

I guess it was that. I don't know exactly why he stopped by.

Well, next time, ask. He's not like the others. The others, if you can take care of it, go ahead. Otherwise I am happy to see them. But I need to see Hemi.

Okay. Could I ask you a question?

Sure.

About your study on being watched. Doesn't it require that the person being watched knows he or she is?

Yes.

And isn't it a bit artificial to go out into the commons and act in a way where everyone or some people look at you?

Look at and watching are two different things.

Yes, I guess that is my point. I think your experiment, the first one, is not in the same domain, can I say, as the second, the one where you know I am watching you from somewhere.

You are probably right.

So which is it you are after?

I am after the second. But I thought the first was perhaps part of the second.

I am not sure what you mean.

I mean that to have one's attention drawn to something or someone is the first step. After that, if the intention is there, conscious or not, then they look at. The next part of the phenomenon is maybe a kind of curiosity, although I would like to avoid causality, which leads to watching. And watching is to understand or see what will happen. Something like that.

So you have preconceived the notion of what it is you are studying. You have it in parts already.

Not exactly. This is just a tentative circumscription of what it is I am after, and right now I know what it is about but not the details or order. I am progressing slowly with tentative hypotheses based on the experiments, or the experiences.

So what is next?

Not sure. I haven't had much time to dream that up. Create it, that is.

May I offer something?

Of course.

Well, going back to being attractive--I am--and getting attention . . .

Like from Hemi.

Okay, maybe like from Darrel. Isn't the important phenomenon, as you call it, the relationship of the subject and object and the object and the subject. Like looking at and being drawn in somehow and then watching is all prelude to a phenomenon which takes two.

I think you are assuming something here, but go on.

Well, if we describe, maybe to understand. That's what it is, isn't it? Aren't we really trying to get at something that we can use or apply, like at my job or in relationships?

Well, you have an interesting point here about a relationship, I mean any kind of relationship which involves people attending to others and vice versa based on their understandings and interpretations of each other. But that is also to organize a phenomenon before it has been looked at in its, say, essential parts or features. Its structure and aspects shall we say.

So I am making the same error you are.

No, not an error. Just you have a different notion of the phenomenon you are after. Are you after that phenomenon? Are you trying to understand your interchanges or feelings or whatever between you and others, like Hemi, I mean Darrel, or other men?

What I am after I don't know. In fact, I don't have time to be after anything. I am too committed. Too busy. And frankly having too much fun with all that I am involved with. Not work exactly. I don't mean this work but my job at the ???.

Let's just say then, that we are each interested in different things, or at least they appear different at this point. Now the other part, the practical part. I am not after practical applications of anything. I am after just getting a sure grip on what it is we deal with. In this case, my case, being watched. And as I said, I am not sure where to take it next. I too have not had much time lately. Any suggestions?

Not at the moment. Maybe it is to get another's take on being watched.

I have your first one, if you let me use it.

You mean that paper from spring term?

Yes, I think it was pretty good. I have looked at the copy you gave me with my comments. It is pretty good. Can you give it to me in electronic form? I could then study it more carefully, with the help of some programs I sometimes use.

Programs?

Yes, thinks like word and phrase counts, tagging and classifying ideas. Things like that.

I didn't know there were such things.

Well, there are. But your own brain and reflections are worth more. The programs just help in verifying things and organizing. So, if you agree, your paper will be one of now three instances of a phenomenon yet to be named or defined more carefully.

Fine. Sounds good.

You look disappointed, or . . .

I just wish I had time to do my own study, or I knew more.

That is why you are here. Why you are in school again. All of that you already know. Be patient. It will all fall into place. Who knows, maybe you will be doing domestic science or something else by the time you finish.

Domestic science? Darrel mentioned that.

Yes, he would. He's been around. Kind of a joke with us.

And A disappeared into his office.

Little boys and their secret games.

18

Whatcha up to? A voice called.

She looked up. It was him. And D immediately noticed he was about 30 plus and very handsome.

Cat got your tongue?

No, no. I just was thinking about something and . . .

Well, tell me about it. Darrel sat down.

I'm sorry. What was your name?

Darrel. But people call me Hemi.

Like hemisphere?

Oh, not so preoccupied after all.

Just getting you back.

For what?

For calling me a slut.

I didn't. I never.

You did, but that's okay. Maybe I am. This weather brings out the beast in me.

Well, if I said something rude, it is because you disarm me.

As in guns?

In a metaphorical sort of way. Like you are too pretty to be for real.

You disarm me.

She paused and then continued. In fact, you are disturbing my peace. You can't just come up looking like you do and sit down and start flirting with me.

Who's flirting?

You are.

Great. Our first fight. I mean disagreement.

Yes, disagreement is better. I hardly know you. I don't know you.

Well, I am easy to get to know. Fire away.

Okay. Are you a student?

I think you know I am. Better question, Miss, er. What's your name?

D. You should know that. I'm, I'm, I am unforgettable.

True. Question.

Okay. Do you live at home with your mother?

Nope. Moved out at 20 and been on my own since. My father's not far away and my mother also lives here in town. Want to meet her?

I think we are moving a little too fast here.

Next question then.

No, you. Tit for tat.

Puzzled Darrel said, Whatever. Let's see. How about, are you married?

That's a question.

And the answer is?

D No. But thanks for asking.

How's that?

Well, a girl likes to know that a man, such as yourself, considers certain things.

Got it. Lost me there for a moment. I thought it was a kind of proposal. A man? Never thought of myself like that. Big boy maybe. But man?

So, how old are you?

That's an inappropriate question.

To ask a woman. But not a man!

Okay. How old are you?

I said not polite to ask a lady that. Fess up. How old are you?

Well, it depends.

On what? You are some, whatever years old. Fact. Easy, straightforward question. Demands a straight answer.

Not easy. You see, if I say something and it is too young, you might not like it. And if I am too old, well, women like older men. I need to err on the side of advantage. Mine. I need to know your age first.

Okay. So tell me your age plus ten years. Then you will have answered the question to your advantage, as you say.

Forty.

Perfect age. I'm, well, I am closer to that than you might think, and that I like. Let's move on.

Whose question is it? Whose turn?

Yours.

I just had mine. It is yours.

19

Where have you been? Several people were looking for you. The Dean and some students.

I was at the library. I found loads of materials on my study. And some materials I can extrapolate from. Life is so interesting. When you start to think about things, they just get more and more interesting, and everything's connected somehow.

I am not there yet. But I am glad you are.

More miles. It is just that I have more miles. You will get there. You are just starting. I hope you are not discouraged yet. You hold great promise. You have been a great help and support to me.

Really? Thanks.

She organized the papers on her desk and summarized what she had done organizing the syllabi for the term. Then she asked, Do you use the Internet to do research and prepare for classes?

A said, Not much. The next step on the syllabi project is to take the files and put them up on my faculty Web site. I thought you could help me with that.

I can. I know a little about web sites.

Other than that, I don't do much for students and the Internet. I don't use the e-college at all. I don't understand it. As to doing background research and stuff, I don't do much with the Internet. I rely on our reference librarian and the holdings in our library, and interlibrary loan. I guess I am old fashioned.

I am taking my final required elective this term. It is the course on doing research and using human subjects. From the Psych department. Well, it is not an elective for them. But for me it is. Anyway, in class the other day, Professor Watkins mentioned a study of participants in laboratory studies. The study, I guess, summarized the experiences of those participants. I thought it related to your work.

Interesting. Did he give a reference?

Yes. I have it in my notes at home. But I can find it for you here.

Great. Could you please give me that.

She turned to her computer and began typing.

Here it is. "What rats think: First person accounts of subjects in psychological experiments." The author is Peter Gustaffson, Ph.D. Sound like something you can use?

Yes. Can we get a copy of it?

Maybe by Internet or through the reference desk. I will check into it. It will take a few minutes.

I will be here, he said as he walked into his office.

20

C Can I get you something?

No answer.

B, are you going to be okay?

Huh?

Are you okay?

Yes, I will be. But I'm . . .

B?

It is like I have been drugged. I have no energy.

Should we take you to the doctor?

Do you want to go to the doctor?

No. No.

I have to go to the ???. If I go, will you be all right?

Yes. I just want to lie here.

Is it like flu?

No. It is my head. It is all foggy.

Maybe you just need some rest.

Yes.

I will go. There is the phone. Call me if you need me. I will be back in a couple of hours.

Hmm.

Okay, then. I'm going.

B slipped back into a stupor.

21

Darrel Hi, what you up to?

D Oh, hi. Just helping out. I am almost finished.

You work here in this office?

I am Prof A's Friday.

Oh. Want to have coffee, and a sweetie?

Is that like offering some candy to a little girl? If so, you're on.

All depends on how you want to take it.

Can I meet you?

I can wait.

It'll be another twenty minutes.

We can meet. At the student union, in the grill.

22

Imagine you are an innocent agent and you have just shot one adversary in the bright sunlight of some foreign country. And around the corner there is a hostile crowd. You have your gun. You just used it, and you are standing next to the body. You hear shouting and yelling from around the corner. Someone or a couple of people come round the corner. Do you shoot? Do you shoot only if they do, or have a gun pointed at you? What do you do? In that moment, it is either your life or not. In that moment, you can kill an innocent person or a hostile one. But you don't know which and they are rounding the corner. Imagine your gun in your hand. Do you raise it? Leave it by your side. Hide it. What?

Well, I don't know. I have never . . .

Well, that is what I am studying. Human action in times or situations of stress or terror. It is a new field, my own invention. It puts together some things I am interested in, plus I can rely on some experience. I want to consult in this field when I finish.

I never. . . . So you were a soldier?

Yes. Kuwait. On God's side, he said with a wry smile.

I have nothing to relate to that. But how is it a course of study?

It is not exactly. It is a combination of fields, military tactics and strategies, criminal justice, peace and protection deployment. That sort of stuff. Plus psychology, of course, and a few other things.

Wow.

And you?

Me? I have nothing to declare. Not as far as specialization, that is. I am just getting back into school. Finishing up my degree this December and beginning next term in the liberal studies graduate program.

So I guess it is premature to ask what you will do with your degree. The master's that is.

Yes, I guess so.

What is your connection with Professor A?

A bit evasively Darrel said, I have been taking a course from him, for a long time. Kind of like a dependent study program. Seems like forever. I am trying to see if I can complete the course without repeating most of what he has set up as requirements. I have done all of that. I just didn't finish on time. One of my problems. I get a little side tracked.

Playing computer games, killing cartoon characters?

Nothing so mundane, but I have been known to stay with a game till its conclusion. I have lost my share of sleep trying to beat the other guy, or the game.

So you are a little bit unconventional.

Not really. Just a procrastinator sometimes, or a slow learner.

How about you? Ever procrastinate?

Sure. I am just finishing my first graduate degree. I started over, well, ten years ago.

Longer ago than that, right?

Yea, you are right. I am 37.

I knew it. I like older women.

Good.

D and Darrel had reached a kind of stopping point, more because of D's doing than Darrel's. She did not want to proceed without caution. Past experience with men who seemed attracted to her--she needed something more she felt. And this was a good start.

23

A It is really a meta-perspective. All fiction is.

D How is that?

Well, regardless of how a story is presented, you know, the different persons. First person, third person omniscient, etc. Whatever that voice, it is of someone. That perspective is the one you get when all matters are reduced. Or, maybe a better way to look at it. That is the voice you hear if you stand way, way back from the text.

So how does this relate to writing in academia or in science, like the human sciences?

Convention often dictates the voice to write in. For example, in biology, you seldom get a scientific paper which is written in the first person. You get carefully crafted disembodied descriptions of method, results, procedures, hypotheses, etc. In psychology, sometimes you get first person accounts, of the same or similar aspects of a study.

Why is that?

Well, I can't fully account for it. That is not my field. However, a simple answer is that there is the recognition in psychology, for example, that the researcher and his or her participation or complicity in the study needs to be shown, or acknowledged. Plus, the results of these studies involving human and group behavior are qualitatively different than other disciplines.

Let's get back to fiction. Why is knowing about or understanding methods of telling stories important for our purposes?

Some of the best descriptions of consciousness are in fictional accounts. Whether they are true or not does not matter here so much as the techniques of telling. If you get a fix on who is speaking and what they are speaking about, you get that much closer to that being talked about. Studying fiction allows us to practice sorting character from narrator from author, for example. And when you are trying to either get a handle on something or to present it, our disciplines, can I say, demand clarity. Reflecting things as they are, as if in a mirror newly Windexed. So studying fiction is a tool. And writing as if an author, not academic, can be enlightening.

I think I am getting enlightened, but the light is too bright. Or it reveals too much to do and to learn.

That is a common enough response. Don't worry. It comes in time, and then you take a lifetime to hone your thinking and presenting.

I guess so. Sounds like my studies will not end with another master's.

Not if you want this badly enough. Are you at that point yet?

Well, this time with you has helped me to focus my lens, if I can say that. Now I am starting to see what is in the frame. And that frame is more, more. I don't know. More complicated that I had even imagined. Last summer I thought I could get in and out of here by just branching out a little in my studies for the next two years. Now I am beginning to think that I will have to pay tuition forever.

Yep. That is about it. Tuition forever. But if you become an academic, tuition is paid and you get to study to your heart's content. If you like young people and teaching as well as an intellectual life, well, you are set. Sort of.

Sort of?

That is a whole other subject. Not for today. You have enough to think about?

Sure do. Plus I've got these. . . .

Yes, and I keep giving you work. Slave labor. But I hope it isn't too boring, or irrelevant.

Not yet.

I am off to the library. I want to look something up. And pick up that article you arranged for me. There might be a student looking for me.

I will see what she wants and . . .

He. Hemi. Just let him wait in my office. If you have to go, that is fine.

Well, I will be here till three. If Hemi does not show up by then, I will lock up.

Good. And thanks.

Thank you. He was off.

Dialogues 1-10 (DRAFT)

A, a professor
B, a broker
C, B's wife
D, a student
Darrel, a student
R-O, a voice

1

D I get this descriptions thing, I think. But I think A is holding back, not telling us the important stuff. The course is just beginning, and he is going through all kinds of examples and such. I don't know what to look for or to write, for God's sake. But the text from the Lord of the Rings was really great. And he said it came from the movie, not the book. What do you think?

C Beats me. I don't know how I am going to use any of this stuff. Three weeks into term and I don't know what it's about. I don't know.

D Well, let's give it a chance. I enjoy having you there in class with me. Like old times, sort of. Plus there are some cute younger guys.

C Sure, but. . . . Well, it had better get more, um, more . . . specific. I am here for the fun of it and it's not much of that, yet.

D Bad news. But hey, I know. Not supposed to be the point. But some of them are nice scenery. Look but don't touch. I'm not into these kids. In college. Whew. Some are so young!

C Well, I haven't seen anything as nice as B. And I'm not looking.

D I'm not either. But you have to look in order to describe, right?

C Hmm. I guess so. But really, D. You are such a persistent pill sometimes.

2

B How was your day?

C Oh. Same old, same old. But I did see Heather Childs today. She said Charlie is in the hospital.

I didn't know that. Is it serious?

No, I don't think so. Something about observation.

So this is not a scheduled visit but something maybe serious.

Maybe. Maybe you could stop by tomorrow afternoon.

For sure. Charlie is a great guy, and he spends a little money with me. Should at least pop in and see how he's doing.

Good. Say, want to watch that new movie at the Cinemax on Friday?

Which one?

The one with that hunk of an actor, what's his name?

You mean the one who is married in real life to that delicious blonde, what's her name?

Boys will be boys. Yes. That one. Pamela, I think. Something. What was his name?

Rock Hudson.

You're kidding.

Nope.

Yes you are.

Let's go. I think she is a great actress.

Of course you do.

3

C This is to die for.

D Everyone says that. We should try to describe the experience of dying from an overdose of chocolate.

Never mind that. You can just say mmm, and there you have it. All the description you need.

Mmm.

Yep.

After each had had two point five mouthfuls, the real death began.

C This is really sinful, and too sweet. I have had almost enough.

C slowly lifted the dessert fork to her mouth with a small corner of the poison.

D Pretty rich, I'd say.

Mmmm.

4

B Are you saving that last bite for me?

D You can have mine too. I have had it. Too rich.

Thanks. What are you girls solving here.

C Chocolate. We had class and came here. Thought we'd sin without being seen. Then you came along. We're busted.

B I love to see others sin. Especially catching them in the act.

C Oh, you don't.

Yes, I do. Especially two beautiful women.

That's suggestive. But we're really innocent. Aren't we D?

That's right. But I did have a big O a short while ago. You missed it. So did C, busy having her own.

This is a different D, thought B.

C Whether I did or didn't I can't say.

I'd like to have been a fly on the wall and seen what was going on before I came.

Seen? You mean heard. C was screaming. Well, not exactly too loud, but it was with delicious pleasure all the same.

I think we can change the subject.

Yes, I suppose so.

B How was class?

D Great. It is too bad it meets just once a week. I think it is going to be really my best class this term. I mean the one I am most interested in. That is the way of electives. They are like icing on the cake. In fact, they are like this cake, all icing.

You mean the course is that good? Like to die for, or sex.

It is sexy, but in the way of being so tempting, and each time I approach each new topic, my heart literally starts pounding. I find so much there to think about and apply to . . . life. You know, in my own . . . struggles.

You don't have struggles.

Hmm, yes I do. And this course, maybe it is the readings or Professor A. I prefer to work on this course and go to class. My other courses are great. But this is greater.

Got it for the Professor, eh?

Nothing like that.

Oh.

No. Right C? He is nice looking and all. But too old for me. But when he opens his mouth or writes something on the board, my senses come alive. The words just touch me somehow.

Touch you . . .

Yes. But not what you are thinking. Bad boy. C you really have to pay more attention to your husband's, er, cravings, for chocolate cake or something.

I do. Don't I, dear?

Yes. Yes. We're not talking about that. And what about you. Do you find the course as stimulating?

I do. I think. I am not sure exactly. D is used to this kind of stuff. I am more practical or something. If stories, for example, are what make our reality, how do stories get to be the same and have the same meanings? I can't quite make sense of that. A said that tonight. I don't know.

Well, I think you have summarized the topic for this evening's class, and I also think we did not get to an answer. I think we need to go deeper. That is why I am excited. More readings of Germans in translation, I think, plus more from A. For sure he's holding back. I think he thinks we should somehow find the answer through experience. I just don't know what that would be other than coming up with our own descriptions.

Like the cake?

Yea, like the cake. As difficult as it can be to do, we should try to do it, in words.

B You've lost me. I am back there with cake, or sex. And that is all pretty interesting. How your course has anything to do with cake is beyond me.

Well, that's why I am taking the course.

Oh.

Yes, it is sort of like that. And it is getting late. Must be about my beauty rest.

Let's pay and call it a night. I have to go to work in the morning.

And I have to get up early.

They packed up books, notebooks and bags, and B paid at the cashier's.

It is nice to see you again, D, said B.

Next week if not before.

Can we give you a lift? C said to D.

D No, I can walk.

For a woman to walk home in the dark after ten was quite safe in ???. D felt safe, and C and B felt comfortable letting her go. ??? had little experience with muggers and stalkers and crime. A safe haven in a world of voyeurs and others.

Were you flirting with D?

Yes. But let's go. I have to get up early.

5

Professor A, may I have a word with you? she asked standing in his office doorway.

Of course. You are? Thursday's talking-talk class, aren't you. D. A lot of younger students in there, aren't there? Well except for my . . .

Yes, well. I was just interested in knowing more about something that we, well, talked about last week. I spent some hours on the weekend thinking about reflection and reflexivity. I can't quite understand these things. I know I should. They are pretty common words, and I have done some of the readings.

Sit down. Sit down. Well, you wouldn't be the first to meditate on these words. After all, books and articles and at least half the departments in the university use these terms. Why, literature studies alone nowadays is replete with histories of contemplation, contemplating one's navel that is. What is it about them you are having trouble with.

Well, I wasn't meditating exactly. I guess I just don't understand what we are trying to do in class. How reflection fits in, I guess.

You mean how reflection fits into your studies.

Yes, I suppose.

Reflection is always personal. It takes a subject. Hmm. That won't do.

A stopped for a moment and looked up to the ceiling as if the answer were written somewhere up there.

Let me see if I can conjure up a simple definition for our purposes. Let's say I have an experience. And I sense it is remarkable in some way. I think about it, after I have had it. That is reflection. Looking back to see what was there. But not only that, how I experienced whatever that was too.

That's pretty simple. I think I got that far already. But I don't usually do it, I mean myself, looking back, that is. But I see what you mean. But why is it so important for our purposes, as you said. Maybe I just am feeling a bit primitive in that that is not something I usually deliberately do. I just usually do, whatever, anything. And I don't give much thought about it. Afterwards that is.

Interesting. You just did.

What?

You just looked back, on yourself or your behavior. Not specifically maybe, but back all the same. And you . . . no, let's let that go.

We may be missing something. Let me see if I can conjure up an example this time. Something to show how it might be important for, for. . . . Let me see.

He looked up at the ceiling again.

I have it here. For 'who we are and what is possible for us'. The course description.

Okay. I think I am following you.

I look out my window and I see students walking to and fro. In the commons right out there. And I observe one or many for a time, today. And then I turn around and ask two questions. What did I experience? and how did I experience it? Simplified phenomenology al la Husserl, for example. He would not see it quite so simply, I'm afraid, but that is beside the point. The two questions are the reflection. Now, after I sort out these questions, provided of course I eliminate any and all preconceptions about the students, where they are coming from, where they are going, that they are even students, I should have something like a pure or unadorned description. That is what reflection can do for you. Gives you another experience, if you will, to most precisely describe another it in the immediate or distant past.

This is getting a little deep. But if I do all of that, once I get it into my brain, and it will for sure take longer than having the first experience itself, what is it good for?

Indeed it will take longer than the immediate experience. And the point, if you want to frame it like that, is what you uncover, maybe what you discover.

Okay. Just another experience, right? I mean you do something and then you look at it from different angles. And that looking, I guess I would call it, is another experience. And I can look at that, and so on. Seems like a never ending story, I mean fiction, to me.

I guess you can look at it that way for now, but I wouldn't stop there. You have to do the description before you can judge its worth. I think you will find you are not thinking or writing fiction. Far from it. Just as you have to experience something to appreciate it fully versus talking about it before the fact. Give it a try. That is how I have set it up for you. Assignment two, due next class, in a few days. Have you started writing yet?

No. I guess I was sort of stuck over the weekend. This has helped. But what does watching what is going on outside your window, for example, lead you to? It is kind of like the ivory tower, if I can say that. If I told anyone at work, they would say . . .

Don't worry about that or them. When I finish my study, I will let you see it.

You mean you are really going to do this exercise just like us, you and your window? I would like to see that. Before I have to give you my assignment.

I am sure you would, if you want to avoid coming to terms with your own way of experience. I have to think about whether you can see it, in actual fact, or not. I will do my study. I have been thinking about doing something like my example. You will have to wait. But I think there is more to any procrastination about this next assignment. You may have the block inside you.

I don't see it as a block so much as lack of knowledge or skill, or knowing what you want.

It is not about what I want.

Oh.

Trust yourself. Take the assignment as given. And do the best you can without writing a book. It is due Thursday, and I hope we can summarize a few from the class and discuss them a bit.

I will do my best. But . . .

But?

This is unfamiliar territory for me. It is not, can I say, my normal way of doing things.

Ah, you have articulated the rationale for this course and getting an education and a myriad of other things. Except an education is sometimes not so much about learning about doing as about thinking and being.

That is what I thought. This is about life, isn't it?

A said nothing and just looked at her.

But my feelings tell me to go ahead carefully. My head doesn't tell me that. I guess I need to engage my head a bit more on this one.

Whatever works. I suspect reflection, as you put your problem or wonder, is at the heart of it. And that could be something not about the course and what we are talking about and more about you. Do you want to learn more about you?

Sure.

Give the assignment a try and we can discuss it in class.

That would be fine, except for . . .

For anything deeply personal that you might find in your navel contemplations?

Yes. Navel contemplations. I will be watching my navel? I guess I see that. Maybe I don't want to share some of that

Well, contemplating one's navel is an oversimplification. We can talk more about that later. And of course you can share what you feel comfortable with, and leave out the rest.

D left the office. It was not until she was out in the commons herself that she discovered her teacher had not really answered her question. Just put it back on her. And he hadn't even mentioned reflexivity.

6

B Who is D talking to?

C Oh, that's our teacher. The one for the class I'm taking.

What's his name?

Professor A

Nice looking man.

Can you see him from here?

D and the Professor paused under a walkway lamp. In the tent of light that clearly showed these actors, they were conversing, but it appeared that D was worried or anxious. She gestured with her arms, messenger bag thrown back over her shoulder. They were unaware of any audience.

D seems pretty intense. What are they talking about?

I don't know. Something about Professor A's work, I think. I don't understand it. D is pretty interested in it.

Pretty interested in his work or him?

His work, I'm pretty sure. A is too old for D, but you never know. Anyway, let's go. I'm tired.

Okay. But it looks like she's doing the talking. He is mostly listening.

Is this interesting for you?

Oh, no. Women and men, you know. I haven't got much to do these days. The market is in the middle of one of its even, steady-as-she-goes cycles. Clients are quiet. No new business. I'm just sort of distracted, that's all.

7

Where have you been, C said as if singing it, you hitting an elongated high note.

B Walking. In the park.

Which park?

B was collecting himself still. He answered in a desultory way, The one that goes up to Sisyphus. I sort of got caught in the dark. Lucky I found the car. Stumbled my way back to the lot. Sorry I am late.

Are you hungry?

Yes, a little. What have we got?

Didn't you read my note? Meat loaf. It's still warm.

B didn't respond. He seemed caught in some kind of whirlpool of thought, some reverie.

B?

Yes. Oh.

Is something wrong?

Oh, no. No. Where's that meat loaf.

In the oven, hiding there for you to find it. I will cut you a piece. Sandwich or on a plate with some ketchup?

Oh, sandwich please. Ketchup if it is warm. Otherwise mayo.

Coming right up. There is some leftover wine, if you like.

I like. I could use a little something to elegantify the main course.

Elegantify? Well, we are becoming chipper. And at this time of night. Or is this something about my pedestrian cuisine. Two can play the same game, you know.

Yep. Chipper. That's what it is. I saw A on my way home. I think it was A. Does he live on the west side? He was walking in that direction.

I don't know. You went by school? Did you forget I had my car?

No. Just on my way home. He was walking on Third Street, a block or two from The Huddle. Does he have a thing for D?

I don't think so. Could be. You know, dirty old men and all of that. D is, well, attractive, wouldn't you say?

I would. Definitely.

She's interested in him, though. They have met two or three times outside of class in just the past week alone. I think she finds him, um, interesting.

Interesting. In what way?

Don't know. Wasn't there. Here's the beef, kiddo. Ketchup, not mayo.

Thanks.

Why do you ask?

Ask what?

About D.

I didn't ask about D.

Yes, you did.

I was just interested in A, that's all. Seems like an interesting guy.

He is.

Does he ever walk up by Sisyphus.

I have no idea. I don't know him except for class. D might know. Meaningful pause. You could ask her.

B ignored this last remark. He was digging in to his late evening repast. And that is how he thought of it, as a repast. He was now in some kind of zone that had to do with mindfully delighting in C's meat loaf, the best. Still warm and with a fresh blob of ketchup on top.

C broke the silence. You could take a class, you know. We could do it together. It would be fun. A is interesting and has a lot of things to talk about. There are other professors over there, and it's so easy to take a course or sit in on one. As residents of ???, we have special dispensation or something where the cost of attendance is free, or almost. You have to buy the books and stuff if you really want to learn something. And doing the assignments is optional. But I think doing them, I learn more. Feel more a part of the group. And we can meet interesting people there. They're not all students.

There's an idea. Did you and D plan on taking the class together or did it just work out that way?

We planned it, but she is taking the course for credit. So our interests, or should I say commitment, is different.

Oh.

He took another bite and chased it with a swig of wine, cold from the fridge.

Well, I'm tired. I'm going to get ready for bed.

Be there pretty quick. Don't fall asleep.

8

B Rise and shine. You have a doctor's appointment today. Before your luncheon with the auxiliary. I've made coffee for you.

Oh. Thanks, dear. Where are you off to? Don't you have to work?

Market's closed today. Nothing pressing. I thought I'd get out for a walk early. I'll be back by lunchtime and maybe blow off the rest of the day. I'm feeling expansive.

This is too . . . I just woke up. Give me a few moments.

Sure. Spring is in the air and I'm feeling fresh, fresh as an adolescent with ants in my pants. Gotta move.

Oh, God. What do I have here?

B was out the door a few minutes later in his shorts, a T-shirt and running shoes. C heard the car pull out of the driveway.

Now, what has gotten into him?

She sat down and took a sip of coffee. The phone rang.

C?

Yes, D?

Yeah. Can you believe that class last night. I was so embarrassed. I don't want to be on stage, the one whose paper gets discussed. The discussion got a little personal, don't you think? Have you finished yours yet?

Yes, I am ready to turn it in. I hope he has time to read it. It would be nice to get some feedback. I'm sure mine is not as interesting as yours, but I worked hard on it. Say, aren't you at work?

Well, actually I was calling my sister, but somehow dialed your number. Sorry. But now that I have you, do you want me to read your paper before you turn it in?

No, I think it will do for now. Maybe when I can turn it in on time next time. And I could read yours.

Sounds good. Got to get back to work. Boss's coming.

C hung up and sat down again at the breakfast table. Things were strange, not ordinary, not as usual, different.

9

After exchanging pleasantries and leaving unacknowledged their past association, they were homecoming king and queen ages ago at Fairmont Senior High School, C asked him straight out.

What would it cost to have someone followed?

10

C You're here. Whose car is that in the garage?

B What? Guess.

Guess? It's new. No clue.

B said nothing.

You didn't.

I did.

But where is my car?

In the garage.

No.

Where is your car, then?

I gave it to a homeless person.

This stopped her again in her tracks.

What?

No, mine is being serviced. Didn't I tell you?