I am the second of three, stationed between an older brother who channels my father, repeating advice suitable for his baby brother, and a younger sister who behaves like a grammar school nun, threatening to strike my knuckles with a ruler because I broke one, rule that is. Being in the middle is not really the problem. It is that my brother and sister do not get along. But I have solved this problem. Here is how I did it.
The first step was I got ill. On my almost deathbed in a moment of surrender I declared, "I can't help you two get along. I have to think of myself from now on."
The next step in solving the problem involved a bit of psychology, my own first of all. Incapacitation forced me to see the getting-along problem as mine, too much caretaking. A little more psychology brought me even closer to the solution where "they" were concerned. Alfred Adler's theory of birth order reveals that my brother is disposed to certain personality traits. Wehr (2008) provides this sketch.
"The first-born child is given a great deal of attention and is expected to be the "ego ideal" for his or her parents. High expectations for achievement are placed on the namesake child. As first born, the child is given a lot of responsibility and being the oldest, wields power among siblings by using aggression and the power of authority."
Adler's traits of the first born describe my namesake brother, who quotes and cites our father, for example when he was teaching us to drive: "Remember to use your rearview mirror." Nowadays, my brother laughs when I remind him about his mirror as he gets in the car.
Nyman (1995) conducted a study where participants described self and others according to birth order, but the study did not highlight my rule-keeping sister. The third born is not seen as an "enforcer". Although birth order theory and its application in the Nyman study may not help explain my sister's behavior, my own observations are valid enough. Consider as I did, for example, the judge in my sister who to this day travels extensively for a major competitive sport to enforce what is allowed and not.
Adlerian psychology might identify me as a peacemaker (Isaacson), and that is what I tried to be before I stopped caretaking. Fate forced me into seeing the problem I now accepted I had with my brother and sister's relationship. In addition, greater understanding, perhaps through psychology, can help us come to terms with the seemingly unsolvable. In my case, the problem out there of the relationship of my brother and sister was really one in here.
Is that it then? Is this the process I used to surmount the occasional blips in my particular family relations? To find equilibrium, the middle way? No.
My paternalistic rule-maker brother and matter-of-fact rule-keeper sister will likely be unable to behave towards each other with untainted care because each would have others behave just so. My siblings are kin in fact and conduct. Where one makes rules for others to obey, the other makes sure that rules are kept. So rule one is: You need to make sure they keep the rules. Retort: You are not keeping the rules yourself! I give you my brother and sister.
Thus, the final step in the process of solving my problem was to use my own resources, to think for myself. This together with a clear identification of the problem, acceptance of it, and knowledge, both from conventional wisdom and more carefully argued cases, make for better solutions to personal challenges I have faced. Oh, yes, I have not forgotten the two other considerations.
One, we can all acknowledge that solutions, changes really, sometimes come in whole or in part from fate or coercion, or both of these. This is well understood if lifestyle corrections must be made because of an unanticipated, unavoidable illness.
The second consideration is more serious. Please help me find a way to make my sister laugh when she gets in the car and I am the driver.
References
Isaacson, Cliff. "The Personalities: Second Born." Birth Order Plus. 20 Nov. 2008
Nyman, Lawrence. "The identification of birth order personality attributes." The Journal of Psychology 129.1 (1995): 51. 18 Nov. 2008
Wehr, Marcia. "Forum and Debate on Birth Order: Does Birth Order Affect Personality?" Psychology Online. 20 Nov. 2008
