Christmas 1993
For my part I cannot end the year without writing . . . and sharing a few thoughts with you, one of a small number of very special people.
This year has been one of turmoil with moments of relative calm, and some healing. And I have shared parts or all of me with you under what have been for me very special and extraordinary circumstances. Many have seen how very human and frail I am. Others have witnessed glimpses of what I can be like in happier times. A few have looked into my unconscious and have not laughed. A couple I have let touch my soul. Some just touched it anyway--permission I granted without your asking. And I am glad for this, all of this.
I am not who I was nor am I who I will be. I am not where I was, nor will I be here for very long. I appreciate mental, emotional, and physical health much more than I ever did. I delicately balance myself every day on an edge between correspondent sanity and the deepest abyss, the abyss I thought in former times was reserved for others.
I appreciate and am coming to acknowledge the light that draws me to my true self. Some have said I have touched them in some way. For this I am glad too. It has been my mission to live again, and the way of that mission has been love which I have tried to express, however awkwardly. Some have been startled by my directness. "I love you" is not casual talk, and you did not take it casually, I know. But the light heals, even if we are apart. The light is still there for us, one more chance.
I have shed tears and been mortally wounded by the pain I have witnessed that others bear. This has not served me as well as it should since the counterbalance has been missing in my life, and I must admit is still missing.
I have taken refuge in my studies, my own company, my monastic ways. The death to rebirth process has not seen itself through to fulfillment. Re-birthing is hard stuff, particularly for mythical types such as I find that I am. Harder than anything I have ever done or contemplated. And the pain has been hell itself. I wish no one--not anyone--such pain as I have experienced, as I have caused.
I pray that what I call the cosmos will embrace all of us. I can no longer read newspapers or watch TV. The suffering and ignorance and lack of compassion are so difficult to view, to know about. I have used the word excruciating, and have come to a personal conclusion that crucifixions are salvation if there is but faith and hope. Would that salvation could be without such trials. They are sufferable and transcendent as we allow ourselves to be embraced by others, by faith and hope. We each have our own ghosts and demons, our own challenges, our own sadnesses which defy comparison--this I believe. May I gather myself to move better and beyond mine. I will, as best I can. Herein is my forgiveness of others. I am coming to forgive myself and feel the embrace.
St. Francis has been guiding me. I have not given up on him. I trust he will not give up on me. Perhaps like Francis, I have had altered states of consciousness, and they have led me to slow shifts in perception and belief. The consequences of this I already feel. But I do not care that I do not care about what my culture has presented as value. I admit I am finding difficulty with the "fit." I am not closed to all the possibilities, nor do I aspire to be closed. But I know what I know, even though I cannot prove or explain. I find myself on the outside of the worldly flow, but my perspective says that only some things matter. And non-things matter the most.
Through all of this and more, you have been there, or you were there at an important moment. I have not forgotten. I am thankful. And I love you for the help you have given me. May I be there at some moment or moments when you have as great a need as I for comfort, understanding, and love. The next year is another, but today will never come again. I am sorry for the lost days. But in view of this day and these moments, I treasure in just thinking about you.
I trust this letter finds you well and at peace with infinite moments of joy that embrace you, and that you can embrace.
